


if all our life is but a dream

by vividxpages



Series: if all our life is but a dream [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Crying, Established Relationship, Fluff, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Making Out, Medication, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Panic Attacks, Pining, Self-Doubt, Swearing, Unrequited Love, Vomiting, Weddings, Weed, alternative universes, but we gonna call them "lives", connor is straight up not having a good time here, cynthia and larry murphy are good parents, life travelling, protesting for trees, some quality friendships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-16 16:01:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 39,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29334948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vividxpages/pseuds/vividxpages
Summary: On the night before the first day of senior year, Connor can´t shake the fear of possibly losing Evan.Full of doubt about what the future will bring for him, he falls asleep.And wakes up to discover that some things have changed over night.Or: Connor Murphy travels through different lives and doesn`t know how to stop it.
Relationships: Alana Beck/Zoe Murphy, Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy, Cynthia Murphy/Larry Murphy, Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen/Zoe Murphy, Jared Kleinman & Connor Murphy
Series: if all our life is but a dream [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2199309
Comments: 29
Kudos: 41





	1. the day before tomorrow

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [across a million lifetimes](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29048595) by [vividxpages](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vividxpages/pseuds/vividxpages). 



> "Connor had never been someone who just ends things quickly."
> 
> here we are! :)  
> Next chapter will be out on Sunday (european time) and I hope to see you around here again.
> 
> I would love to read your thoughts about this as well, so don't be shy and talk to mee.

In retrospect, it all started in summer.

In the weeks before their senior year of high school, the days where everything seemed to stand still, the hot air of their hometown crackling with energy and life. Everything seemed possible.

It depends on who you ask what happened during summer break, because they remember it differently. A single perspective will never lead to the one right answer, the bigger picture of it all. It`s far more complicated than that, but they don`t know it yet.

It depends, but without having to look at one another, Evan and Connor would say without hesitation that it was the best summer of their life. Despite the implications that followed shortly after.

Some memories tend to stick with you forever, while some incline to disappear.

But somewhere, even in the smallest corner of the universe, they remain.

This summer.

God, where should they even start?

* * *

It was the last day of summer, the day before he would return to school, and Evan thought about the past weeks and smelt camp fires.

He could`ve closed his eyes and still see the endless night sky above him, like a heavy blanket that weighs heavily on him, a reminder that this world could crash down at any moment. Like when he stumbled over the fancy curtain during a school play and everyone in the audience heard it. He wasn’t acting in the play or something, he was just supposed to watch over the laptop that played the instrumentals for the people with real talent in this course.

He messed up and could never be sure it wouldn’t happen again. But here`s the thing that changed everything: It didn’t matter. It didn’t matter because he wasn’t alone anymore.

Because as he watched star constellations and stared right into the black abyss of the universe above him, he felt goosebumps rising on his arms where somebody settled down next to him.

There were artistic fingers intertwining with his own, a thumb brushing over the rough spot that was still healing from the time he nearly fell down an apple tree and scraped up his entire arm.

Connor had seen an apple that looked so delicious that Evan promptly decided to climb a nearly thirty feet tall tree, right at Ellison State Park. Connor had insisted that he didn`t need the apple and Evan should come down again, but he didn’t really listen, not until he grasped the apple. Only one of the many things he would never have done over a year ago, at least not to get an apple.

He had changed. Or maybe not and he was finally the person he was meant to be.

His mother mentioned it as well.

She said it for the first time, when Evan came home from his first date in sophomore year.

It was a chilly night in October and it poured out of the clouds like the world was ending. On his way home, he didn’t spend a single thought on his soaked dress shirt or his muddy shoes. Not while Connor walked beside him.

They had exchanged shy smiles while they stood under the porch of Evan`s house, neither of them wanting to say goodbye. That night, they had kissed for the first time, a goodbye in its own way and the beginning of something new.

Almost a year later, and he still had to take a hot minute to realize that this was his life.

He still went to therapy and took meds to calm himself, he was still the kid who stuttered in front of a class, but now he knew he could always look into the backrow if he wanted to. To meet Connor`s eyes in a room full of background noise.

It was holding hands, chipped nail polish and warm sun kissed skin and looking for two seats at A La Mode instead of just one.

It was a mess of a teenage bedroom, every time Connor decided to drop by unannounced at his house, a bunch of blankets from the living room already bundled up in his arms. It was arguing over which second rate movie they’ll watch and then still settling for the same documentary about rainforests they had already seen ten times.

It was his face getting red whenever Connor said something under his breath with a cheeky grin, fabricating thoughts in Evan`s head that he had to swallow down until they were alone. Unruly, forbidden thing. Although, they weren’t forbidden anymore.

Because Evan was allowed. He was allowed to do all the things Connor loves to whisper in his ear in the dark dimmed light of his bedroom. But he was getting lost along the way here, because not _everything_ was about that.

Most of the time, for example on the night where they watch the stars, he was just so freaking grateful, he could have cried from the simple touch of a thumb caressing his hand. Nothing had ever felt more real to him than these small moments in summer.

* * *

Connor thought about the past few weeks and still tasted cherry ice cream and chlorine on this tongue. It sounded more romantic than it really was, but he tended to be a sap these days anyway, so it didn’t really matter that much.

In the nights where the air almost cooled down to the point where he had to grab a blanket, he thought about that one day where Evan came over and his parents went to some garden party with white clothes and no shoes. He didn’t want to join them, for obvious reasons. A year ago, his decision would have led to a huge fight with angry shouts from Larry and tears from Cynthia.

But it wasn’t like that anymore.

The Murphy household had come a long way of family counselling and healthy decisions and reasonable conversations and for the first time in a long time, Connor didn’t dread the moment his parents would come home again. Although sometimes, Connor thought he only lived for the days where he had the house for himself. It was only him.

And Evan, but he was required for a good time anyway.

He thought about laying down on the cream-colored longue seats by the pool, legs messily tangled with Evans, even though they were both sweaty from the warm afternoon sun.

It was nice, just…existing with his favorite person in the world, in their little bubble no one could ever pop.

Later on, Evan moved onto the pink flamingo floatie in the middle of the pool, reading along the lines of one of Connor`s favorite books. It was some old title he recommended Evan as they were on the brink of falling asleep, breath mixing and limbs getting heavier, but still, the next morning Connor woke up to find an empty space in the bookshelf beside his bed.

Evan listened, always really heard what Connor had to say, and he smiled as he watched Evan slowly falling asleep on the hot plastic of the ridiculously pink flamingo. He had waited maybe ten minutes before he quietly got up to swim over to Evan, because he would freak the fuck out for sure if he got a sunburn so shortly before school starts again.

He would have never guessed that a person could pull such feelings from his heart. His damaged heart that has been kicked one time too many in the past years.

It was like this weird thing, where the prisoner believes that he deserved the punishment after enough years without sunlight. He´d expected the day where his mind would just except his fate, giving in and giving up, but then he met Evan. Evan, who didn’t even have to try to enter Connor`s tattered heart.

The thing is, since Connor met Evan, since their very first interaction…Connor didn’t think a day about hurting himself, about…dark stuff. He still counted the days, because this part will always be anchored in his brain, but he was getting better.

Of course, Connor also had fought for this. He didn’t fall in love and was suddenly healed or some stupid shit like that, he was constantly working on himself. Together with a very nice therapist and a willpower like iron. He finally had a reason to get better, a true reason and not just his inner child that told him in nights where tears were wetting the pillow, that his mom would be _sad_ if her son would be _gone_ in the morning.

He shared these parts of his messed-up brain with Evan, he was the first one in years who truly listened. It took some time and a little patience, but Connor opened up to him about everything in the end. It was at the point where he realized that he was too far gone for this boy to drop out of fear and paranoia now.

But now, as summer came to an end, it was like a cliff appeared out of nowhere and claimed his attention.

Because one afternoon, while they laid together on the couch in Evan’s living room, Evan came up with his plans of college applications.

At first, Connor propped his head up from the spot on Evan`s chest he had rested on for hours, but after Evan explained at least three backup plans and ideas for things to do in between high school and college, Connor just…stared at the TV. Lights and movements flashed before his eyes and all. He didn’t even blink. Because oh…he forgot about _that_.

He forgot that soon they would be seniors, wrapped up in the stress of preparing for finals and meetings with headmasters of important colleges in the whole country.

Over the summer, he forgot that this wasn’t his normal, permanent state of living, that this was like heavy snow on a school day and not having to get up to get ready to leave for class once. This whole thing, reading with Evan and dancing with him, and eating out at A La Mode with Jared, Alana and Zoe and laying under the stars and having peace of mind for once – he was not allowed to have that forever.

Because of course, the one thing that made Connor truly happy with his life and him existing would be taken away from him in less than one year. Their time was already running out and Evan was so excited about it, that Connor just…had to get up to go to the bathroom.

As the door shut behind him and he looked at himself in the mirror, his brain suddenly wondered in complete silence. An almost mockingly voice addressed him. _Did you truly think you would keep him forever?_

He watched cold water running down his features after he gathered some of it from the sink and patted his pale cheeks, but he didn’t feel it.

_Did_ he truly think that?

Well, he didn’t think as much as normal in the past weeks. Of course, he had _some_ thoughts, that’s how brains work, even the damaged ones like Connor’s, but a brief summary consisted just of how utterly and devastatingly in love he was. It made him dizzy.

He sat down right on the toilet seat, because-

Evan was really smart. He excelled in school, even in the bullshit classes like chemistry or math, because he was a fighter. Connor gave up as soon as he would see an equation he didn’t get behind in the first second. He could draw you flowers or very detailed portraits, many of them now presented and framed on the baby-blue walls of Evan’s bedroom, but this was already the end of the lists of Connor’s talents, written and compiled by Connor.

He had no doubts that Evan would get into his dream college without having to wait for a place on a long national waiting list. Heidi would be thrilled and being the proud mom that she was, snap pictures of a very flustered Evan that held the acceptance letter in his hands.

Don’t get him wrong, he _loved_ that. Over their time together, Connor became basically Evan`s number one head cheerleader, because he simply felt _strongly_. He was fucking proud of him, no matter how small or big the accomplishment was. Hell, he once almost cried because Evan booked a therapist appointment after a particularly bad night. His lips started to quiver.

His mom said, it was his biggest strength: his empathy and deep understanding of others.

As Connor looked at the clean bathroom tiles on the floor, he thought it was the worst part about him. His _strong fucking feelings_. Because while someone normal would probably now say: _Well, maybe I’m not a total genius in school, but with some discipline and concentration I might be able to catch up with everything that’s happening right now_ , his fucked brain screamed at him.

Even if he would do all of that and even if he would be accepted at a good college and for once wouldn’t be such a failure for his family, even if they would go on the same campus, Evan wouldn’t take long to see that he absolutely wasn’t on the same level as him. Fuck, he wasn’t even in the same stratosphere as Evan.

Sooner or later, he would realize that Connor wasn’t worth it.

He wasn’t worth all the trouble and inconveniences that came with a relationship with him.

He wasn’t worth all the countless nights where Evan had to stay up with him, because his medication fought against him and messed with his mind, all the coaxing it sometimes took to convince him to just lay down and try to sleep, the small and big fights, when his brain couldn’t filter the things he felt and the things his brain told him to shout out.

He wasn’t worth the tears he knew Evan had cried over him, when he wasn’t looking or he thought Connor finally managed to fall asleep.

He wasn’t worthy of Evan`s love for him. And Evan deserved so, so much better.

How could he ever think that he found a way to be happy?

When he exited the bathroom, Evan just got up to check on him. He managed a smile, one that didn’t make Evan worry about him. Five more days until the first day of senior year and he managed to stay put together, barely but still.

Over the years, Connor learned to be an amazing actor.

Ha. Maybe that could be his future career, he thought ironically, but in the last days of summer, he didn’t want to think about his future. It was a lot easier to imagine Evan`s future instead. A happy future, one where Connor didn’t have a place in it, where he couldn’t possibly destroy what Evan built himself.

In the last night before school, he almost broke up with him.

The words were ready on his tongue, over the pizza and soft drinks they’ve ordered, but he was too much of a coward to eventually spit them out. Connor had never been someone who just ends things quickly.

“See you tomorrow?” Evan asked with a big smile and Connor quickly nodded before closing the distance between them, and kissing him on the front step. He wanted to stay in this moment forever, just wanted to keep Evan here by his side.

“Tomorrow.” Connor promised hoarsely and watched the light steps Evan took while walking out into the warm night. “I love you.”

“Love you too!” Evan replied over his shoulder. “Make sure to sleep at least eight hours, otherwise you`ll need coffee and I have to drag you to class!” He shot him a joking grin that made Connor`s heart ache.

Everything Connor did dragged itself out, and ended with a long finale, a disaster that destroyed everything in his reach slowly.

He was not going to let that happen to Evan.

It was the last thought he had before he went to bed, his mind drifting to the small pile of pills in his bedside drawer.


	2. the wrong side of paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why does no one notice that something is wrong here?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy valentine`s day!  
> If you`re lonely like me, maybe this chapter cheers you up a little bit :)
> 
> Since this story is already finished, I decided to update each Wednesday and Sunday.  
> Let´s talk about it ;)

_This feels wrong._

Connor shot up in bed, blinking rapidly to wake up quicker, moving around under the heavy bedsheets as the pounding alarm on his watch set off. He blindly reached around before slamming on the off button a bit too forcefully. The clock went flying and hit his carpet.

“Fucking hell.” He murmured groggily and fell back into the pillows, taking a minute to breathe in and out again until his pounding heart calmed down enough for him to gather himself. What a way to start the day.

He felt like he only had his eyes closed for one second, with not nearly enough rest to deal with the upcoming school day. On the other hand, his body felt like he was surrounded by heavy fog, like sleep was still trying to coax him back into dreamland.

He looked to the side of his twin bed, to the bedside table, observing the random objects he dropped there. An old, worn out copy of The Little Prince, a half empty glass of water next to it, accompanied by a school book he didn’t remember putting there. Weird. He never read something for school in the evening, especially not in the state of mind he was in last night. But maybe he did it to distract himself from his own head? He couldn’t quiet remember.

But, still. Suddenly he was very aware of the bags under his eyes, he didn’t even need a mirror to prove that he must have looked horrible right now after his chaotic brain ate up most of his energy. He didn’t mean to let himself get that bad again, he thought he made progress over the summer, with regular therapy appointment and meds that finally worked on him. Now, he almost was furious for letting himself go to such a dark trail of thoughts again.

He regretted even thinking about the pills in the first place and regretted not throwing them away after things got better for him not too long ago. They were meant to be only an escape plan, just a little insurance that he _could_ if he wanted to. Which was stupid and _not okay_ , really, and Connor was pissed at himself.

His hands shook a little bit, but he reached out nevertheless to open the first drawer.

Connor blinked. Once, then twice and bend over a little more to look closely inside.

The pills were gone.

That…didn’t make sense at all.

But even after Connor blinked for the third time and reached out to feel his way around the solid bottom of the drawer, there was still no secret stash of pills to be found.

_This feels wrong._

What the fuck?

His stomach churned nervously, followed by a sharp pain as he steadied himself on the mattress.

Then everything moved quickly.

Despite his pounding headache and maybe three hours of sleep, he practically catapulted himself out of bed, taking no notice of his surroundings and sprinting straight towards the small bathroom that was attached to his bedroom.

His brain screamed, hot red panic rising inside of him.

He needed to get the pills out of him, because-

This was the only explanation, right? He _did_ swallow them for real this time, that’s why they`re gone, that’s why he was feeling terrible and wrong. His stomach got tighter.

He met his own wide eyes in the mirror, paled at the panicked look on his face and reached for the toilet seat, not hesitating one second before shoving a finger down his throat and holding on tight.

Everything cramped up and Connor prayed that it wasn’t too late, please don’t let it be too late to throw the pills back up again, because why weren’t they in the fucking drawer, this couldn’t be happing, he didn’t even really think about taking them, he just had reminded himself they were there, but he couldn’t die, he couldn’t die now, not when everything was still ahead of him, not when Evan was by his side and in love with him. Fuck.

It took a while, but eventually Connor realized that there was nothing to throw up anymore.

He sunk back against the wall, letting the cold tiles underneath him cool him down, too tired to acknowledge the disgusting taste on his tongue. He counted the seconds and came to the conclusion that he would be dead by now if he really swallowed the pills.

Everything is okay, he thought. It´s okay, you`re okay. You`re alive, you had control the whole time.

Maybe he should call out for his mom? God, he needed a cold shower first.

Under the spray of water, Connor felt himself becoming human again. His hands didn’t shake as much anymore and he managed to properly brush his teeth afterwards and putting on some fresh clothes from the top of the cabinet under his mirror.

He moved through his room in a trance, checking the drawer once more, just in case. Evan told him often that he might need glasses, that squinting at the TV screen couldn’t be good, maybe he didn’t look properly.

Pills were still gone.

He wondered if his mother had slipped in early to check up on him and found them. It was like her to take them away, but she would have talked with Connor about it, he was sure. In the last months, Connor and his mother had more conversations than in all the years he wasn’t doing well, so that was out of question. But what happened to the damn pills then?

Only one way to find out, he guessed.

He made his way downstairs where he could hear dishes clinking and the low voices of his parents coming from the dining room. He paused on the way to look at a new photo Cynthia hung up on the staircase.

It pictured Larry and Connor, arm in arm on the bleachers during some baseball game. He noticed gold and red colors in the background from the local news reports his dad watched all the time. His dad loved baseball, but Connor despised it, just as any sport. But he did look pretty happy in the picture, all smiles and holding up a dirty baseball glove.

He faltered. He couldn’t remember anything from the day this happened. When the fuck did he go to a baseball game with his dad?

“Honey, you don’t have to hide in the hallway the whole morning, come on in!” His mother called with a smile in her voice and Connor took a deep breath and prepared himself for a weird breakfast. This whole morning didn’t feel real, so why would any interaction with his parents do?

“Morning, champ.” Larry greeted him from across the room with his nose stuck in the newspaper and turned the pages to look at the sport sections. Connor could tell, he always did that, right after reading some boring news about the economy.

 _Champ_. Was this his new nickname or something?

“Morning.” Connor replied a bit unsure and moved to take his usual seat beside the empty spot where Zoe normally sat. There was no sight of her cereal bowl with the cookie monster on it.

“Is Zoe still asleep?” Connor asked, because Zoe always got up before him, he woke up from the music coming from her room all the time. It annoyed him, but he appreciated the indirect recommendations sometimes.

Cynthia came back from the open kitchen with a glass of fresh orange juice and placed it in front of Connor. Her brows furrowed. “She slept at Alana`s place, don’t you remember?”

Larry chuckled, actually _chuckled_ , and added: “Well, it`s hard to ignore that we barely see her anymore, I`m sure she already plans on moving out and staying there forever.”

His father was almost bubbly, he grinned because he made Cynthia laugh after that, and went back to quietly laughing about the jokes on the last side of the paper.

Connor looked between the two of them. “I`m not sure if I understand.”

Sure, Zoe and Alana were best friends, but since when did their parents allow them to do sleepovers on a school night? They weren’t exactly strict with Zoe, but she had to follow along most of the time, just like Connor did. Also, it occurred to him that he saw his sister already in pajamas last night.

“You´re still be a bit sleepy, aren’t you?” Cynthia asked softly and patted his shoulder while sitting down next to him. “Zoe mentioned a dozen times that she`s going to stay with her girlfriend.”

Connor choked on his orange juice.

“What?” He exclaimed. “Wait? Really?”

When did this happen? How didn’t he notice?

Connor had many questions and if he wasn’t so confused, he would have admitted that maybe big brothers shouldn’t wonder so much about their sister`s sexuality, but this…was news to him. Like, I-was-on-a-five-year-mars-mission-and-now-I-need-to-know-everything-that-happened-here-on-earth-while-I-was-away. But he hadn’t been away, all he did was fucking sleeping.

“Honey, you seem a bit confused.” Cynthia observed.

_Well, no shit, mom._

“Are you nervous about the first day of senior year?” His dad added and finally put the rustling of the paper to a stop, now fully paying attention to Connor. “Because, Connor, there is really nothing to worry about, you`re going to be fine.”

His heart was beating out of his chest right now, Connor was sure the entire neighborhood could hear it pounding frantically.

Despite all the question he had, his heart twisted at his father`s words. It was all he could get out at the moment, when his voice cracked as he said.

“How can you be so sure of that?”

At the moment, he was right where he ended last night, head full of self-doubt and unsteadiness. How was anything going to be fine when he was just so confused right now?

“Well, first of, we got your back, alright?” His dad smiled at him reassuringly and placed a hand of his shoulder and squeezed. Connor closed his eyes and breathed out once more. “No matter what you do, we`re with you all the way, champ. And secondly-“

His parents exchanged a knowing look and Larry continued: “You had straight A`s all year in sophomore, you nailed every exam and were on top of all the class lists. The folks at school know you’ve got it, there is nothing to worry about.”

Connor paused at that and looked at his dad with a bewildered expression.

_This feels wrong._

His dad was definitely wrong, because this simply wasn’t the truth.

“Dad, that’s…” Connor struggled to from words. “That’s not right.”

“Don’t sell yourself short, honey. You don’t have to be embarrassed about something like that.” His mother said and squeezed his hand and now his parents were kind of too close to him, Larry holding his shoulder and Cynthia right next to him, and there wasn’t enough space for him to breathe properly and go through his thoughts and well, he had gotten better in some classes, but he was still struggling with some and definitely wasn’t on some top-of-the-class list, that wasn’t the truth. That was Evan`s thing, really.

 _Evan_.

It didn’t make sense, he didn’t even know why he brought that up right now, but the words still escaped him, ignoring the tight feeling in his stomach once more. “Where`s Evan?”

Their faces went blank, like he just spoke in fucking Greek or something. “Evan?”

Before Cynthia could open her mouth again, a car honked outside of their house twice and they all startled.

“Oh my god, I didn’t notice it`s almost eight!” Cynthia jumped from her seat and Connor shakingly followed. “Do you have your bag, sweety?”

His bag? It took him a second. Oh, his bag that he would take to school with him, because it was still the first day of senior year and Evan and him were supposed to meet before their classes would start. Maybe he was already too late?

“N-no, it`s upstairs, but I`ll get it now.” He murmured and barely felt the kiss from his mom on his cheek. His whole body felt like he was wrapped in cotton, like he could stumble and fall down at any moment, not feeling any pain. This wasn’t good, not good at all.

But he still moved upstairs, functioning on auto pilot and moving through his room to grab his messenger bad. Not a single pin decorated the rough fabric, but he didn’t notice. His eyes caught something else he didn’t see before.

Beside his massive bookshelf, there was an empty wall he had ever seen before. Except for the fact that it wasn’t empty. Someone had placed open boards there, and on each of them were…trophies.

In all shapes and sizes, silver and gold blinked back at him, almost enlightening the room in a bright glow. Connor noticed that almost every single one declared Connor Lawrence Murphy as a winner.

_This feels wrong._

He moved closer on shaking legs and began to read the small signs on the bottom of the goblets and medallions. Some of them were from his high school, rewarding him for excellent marks and projects, on how he functioned as a member of the student council and his commitment on after-school activities and trips. Others were from state wide institutions, names Connor had never heard of, _Hanover_ and other noble sounding establishments.

Connor grabbed his writing desk to make sure that he wouldn’t pass out on the spot.

What the fuck was happening?

“Connor!” Someone called his name from downstairs and he ran out of the room, in fact couldn’t get away fast enough from the trophies he never earned.

One blink, and he was walking across their lawn, forcing his legs to move forward to the white van that parked on the half empty street.

From the passenger seat, Zoe waved at him. “Come on, we`re going to be late, asshole!”

She and Alana giggled when Connor eventually managed to hop into the backseat and closed the door. This wasn’t a good idea, the tinted windows did nothing to calm him down after the strange encounter in his house.

“What`s going on?” Zoe turned around in her seat as Alana started the engine of the car and began to drive. He was still kind of exhausted from everything, but his heart calmed down a little as he noticed that Zoe looked still the same as she did yesterday. She wore a plaid flannel and there were some sparkly clips in her hair.

“You tell me.” He spat out and moved his fingers through his hair.

“Are you alright, Connor?” Alana asked concerned. “You look like you didn’t sleep too well.”

Maybe, he was still sleeping?

That would be a plausible explanation for all of this.

He watched in disbelief when Zoe intertwined her fingers with Alana`s on the center console.

“Connor?” Zoe tried again and looked at him with furrowed brows. She probably thought by now that he was either crazy or just homophobic. And while Connor couldn’t be sure about the first one, he was definitely _not_ homophobic. He was kind of the opposite, actually. Huge surprise, wasn’t it?

“Yeah, no, I´m…good.” He cleared his throat and tried to sound more optimistic. Like he wouldn’t fling himself out of the car at any given moment. “I`m fine, it was just a rough night.”

He ignored the skeptical look Alana gave him through the rearview mirror.

“Geez, I was worried for a second.” Zoe let out a huffed laugh and turned to face the street again. The car moved silently through their neighborhood, but Connor didn’t pay attention to any of it. He observed his sister and Alana like a hawk. “Normally you only act like this when an exam is coming up.”

_Yeah, no, that`s not true._

He chose to not comment on that.

When Alana finally found a parking spot and they scurred out of the car and made their way to the main entrance of their high school, Connor felt like he was under water.

He remembered a lot of times where he dived into their pool to just sit under the surface, at the bottom of their big look-we-are-rich-pool and held his breath until his lungs screamed desperately for air. It was peaceful when he didn’t think about it so much, but the urge to come up for air remained always, until Connor had no other choice than propping himself up and moving towards the surface.

Now, it was like something was holding him down, keeping him underwater until he had to inhale and let the chlorine float his insides.

While entering the school, he noticed how people openly looked at him rather than ducking their heads around him like usual. Most of the times, even though he didn’t really put effort in it, strangers were careful around him, because they thought Connor was still that angry kid who shoved people at lunch when they cut the line. Like people couldn’t go through fucking character development for once.

But now, some of them even greeted them, some girls waved at him with shy smiles and made moves to whisper in their best friend`s ear. Like this was something that was ever going to happen.

Boys held out their hands to high five him and wish him a good first day, asking if they would see him on the bleachers later and Connor made no move to respond positively. None of these people normally talked to him, why would they start now?

Zoe and Alana trailed along behind him.

“If only _we_ could also belong to the popular people.” Zoe wished sarcastically and Connor would have laughed along, but he realized Zoe _meant_ Connor when she said that.

“You should go to class, okay?” He suggested and was thankful for his height that allowed him to look over the whole hallway. “I need to find Evan first.”

He didn’t wait for their response and moved through the crowd of students. He barely heard Alana faintly ask: “What business does _Connor_ have with Evan Hansen?”

* * *

Connor couldn’t find an explanation for this nonsense.

He refused to even go through some options, because all of this had to be a joke. Or a very bizarre dream.

Maybe, the first day of senior year was just supposed to be like this? People joking around to have an easy start into the new year? Or everyone just teamed up on him to scare him half to death?

But that didn’t explain why his dad wasn’t grumpy over breakfast like usual and his whole room was decorated by trophies he didn’t win. He wasn’t stupid, so the possibility of someone breaking in his room at night and changing his entire interior seemed a bit…unrealistic.

And Evan wouldn’t do that to him, Connor was sure of it. Evan knew exactly what it was like to be excluded from all the jokes, so he couldn’t imagine that his boyfriend had approved this.

He needed to find him, and he needed to do that fast, because inside of him, panic steadily build itself up, until Connor panted as he rounded the corner and stepped outside of the building, taking a minute to look around and spot the big acorn tree that stood in the middle of their school yard, surrounded by some benches and the vegetable patches the juniors had set up in one of their courses. The tree threw a big shadow on the yard and the scenery almost looked peaceful. Almost a bit like Ellison State Park.

And even if nothing made sense at this point, Connor knew he would find Evan there.

He spotted some blond hair behind the tree and almost sobbed as he began to ran.

“Evan!”

The boy under the tree startled and cursed to himself as he almost dropped this half-finished cigarette.

“Fuck.” Evan murmured and narrowed his eyes at Connor. “Connor, what are _you_ doing here?”

Connor sighed out of relief and pushed some of his hair behind his ear, because at least Evan knew who he really was.

“God, I´m so…” He reached for the right words, but they just turned into soup. “Fuck, I`m so happy to see you right now, this…The whole morning has been just crazy and my parents acted like I´m some kind of wonder child or something, and also Zoe and Alana are a couple now, like when did that happen? And I was just very confused about a lot of things, but you`re here now, so-“

“Why are you telling me all of this?”, came the sharp reply and Connor kind of flinched, because Evan never spoke with him like that. It actually took a whole lot more to make Evan truly angry, so this wasn’t really the reaction he expected from him.

“Well, I-“ Connor interrupted himself when he got a closer look of Evan.

Evan was smoking, even though in the past he had told Connor a million times how harmful it actually was for your lungs and he would rather die than trying out smoking. But now, he held a lit cigarette between his pointy and middle finger and let out a puff of smoke right in front of him.

His nails were painted black.

And it was only now that Connor noticed that his own weren’t. They were just…a blank canvas.

Actually, a lot of things about Evan were dark.

He wore a thick hoodie, two sizes too big for his rather small figure, and his boots were dirty from the mud of the school yard, some mud apparently decorated his dark jeans as well. Evan looked worn out, like he didn’t put much effort into his appearance. He looked like Connor used to look. Expression unreadable and empty. Deprived of any sign of truly living.

“Why are you staring at me?” Evan demanded now, trough gritted teeth and defensive posture and he took a step towards Connor and Connor was just so damn helpless, he didn’t know what to make of this. “Shouldn’t you be inside and be everybody`s darling? What are you doing here?”

“Ev…”

Nothing. His eyes didn’t soften and the corner of his mouth didn’t move up into the obliquely smile Connor loved so much.

“I-I don’t know what`s happening here, I`m…” He was at an absolute loss of words.

Evan murmured something along the lines that he didn’t have time for Connor`s bullshit and moved out of his way.

“Evan, _please_.” Connor tried again and grabbed him at the wrist, ready to beg him to not run away, but Evan recoiled so harshly that he shrunk a step back and swallowed hard. “You`re scaring me. I-I don’t know what`s going on and I`m scared, okay? You…why don’t you remember me?”

They stared at each other for a long time. Connor felt his chin wobble and wanted to punch himself for appearing so weak, but Evan`s face stayed stone cold, his eyes watching him with nothing but alienation.

“Look, I don’t know what your problem is, okay.” Evan shook his head and pressed out the cigarette under his heel. He began to turn away. “But I don’t think I can help you with it.”

Connor watched helpless as Evan made his way back inside, suddenly aware how cold the shadow of the three made him feel, and tried to stop the tears from overflowing.

_This feels wrong._

And this wasn’t Evan.

He found himself shaking his head over and over again while strolling through the empty hallways disoriented. He didn’t know what the fuck was going on, but this _wasn’t_ his Evan.

Evan, who loved him just hours ago and cuddled with him on the couch while watching some stupid game show, drawing his head to the side to kiss the spot under his jaw again and again. Evan, who promised to meet him at his locker today and already made plans for the afternoon, grabbing a scoop at A La Mode and all the sappy shit they usually did after school.

This wasn’t Evan and this wasn’t his life. Not the life he had yesterday before going to sleep.

So, naturally, Connor went to the library.

He went straight to the history section and started randomly grabbing books about world history and especially the ones focusing on the last decades. History was something he could always get behind, but while he scanned the chapters of some abnormalities or facts Connor knew weren’t true in his normal life, he noticed nothing was wrong.

Despite all the changes around him, the country had the same history as yesterday, the same guy was president and everyone was kind of jealous of Europe who had its shit together. It was still the same year.

So why was all of this still happening?

“Dude, shouldn’t you be at class?”

Connor jumped and turned around to see a suspicious Jared Kleinman with the biggest glasses he had ever seen.

“What the fuck, shouldn’t you be also at class?” He wasn’t so proud of the weak comeback, and Jared only pointed to the name tag on his shirt.

“I`m on library duty, genius.”, said Jared and shook his head and let out his typical laugh. “Oh my god, the shining star of the whole school skips class to shove his nose into books even more than he usually does. I can`t wait to tell _that_ story to a teacher, man.”

“No, no, Jared, don`t-” Connor tried to whisper-yell at him, but there was no use, Jared was already gone. “Fucking idiot!”, added Connor louder and was shortly after greeted by a disappointing looking teacher.

“Mr. Murphy, I know you`re very inquisitive and ambitious, but you can also be that at class right now.”

“Why does no one notice that something is wrong here?” He countered aloud and clenched his jaw angrily.

He got no answer despite of the sweet promise of detention.

Connor had to find to wait outside of the office for a little longer, because the secretary was extra slow when filling out his detention formular, but he perked up when two unfamiliar teachers passed by.

“I can`t believe I have to chaperone again.” One of them groaned. “Who`s going to be there”?

“As far as I know, only three kids who threw paper balls at the new English teacher on their first day and the Hansen kid.”

“Jesus, again?”

“Yes, he`s taking this very seriously by now.” They both laughed to themselves until they went into the teacher lounge and the door shut behind them.

Maybe, attending detention wasn’t such a stupid idea as he originally thought.

* * *

The task for detention was to think about the things they planned to accomplish this school year instead of doing bad shit, and the few other students began to scribble thoughtfully away on their papers.

“Do you have a pencil?” Connor asked tiredly and pointed at his paper. “I want to get this done.”

“You´re not giving up so easily, huh?” Evan replied and looked up from staring blankly at his table, the hard expression in his eyes still there from before, but a little more dimmed. He wasn’t in the mood to fight anymore, it seemed.

“No, I just want to get out of here, to be honest.” Connor tried to keep his voice as neutral as possible, even though this was Evan and mumbled a small _Thank you_ when Evan handed him the required pencil.

Connor thought about it for a moment, before attaching his pencil to the blank paper and beginning to write exact one sentence.

_Getting my normal life back._

He didn’t know how much time already had passed; he barely noticed the teacher getting up to print out some papers in the room next door. Not too long ago, he would’ve gone home, not caring about the consequences, but this was different. It didn’t feel like any of his actions mattered. It scared the shit out of him.

“Why did you get detention on the first day of school?” Connor raised his head in disbelief, because it was Evan who asked him that.

He swallowed down the lump in his throat and offered: “I was at the library instead of being in class. Jared Kleinman couldn’t keep his mouth shut about it.”

Evan let out a short laugh. “Fucking Jared Kleinman.”

“Exactly.” He almost managed to form a grin, but there was still so much space between them, it couldn’t reach his eyes.

“And you?” Connor wanted to know. Wanted to make sense of it. “Why are you here?”

“I damaged school property when I demonstrated against the faculty that planned on felling the acorn tree on the school yard.”

Connor stared at him, because despite considering that Evan really had a thing for this tree, this was a kind of radical move for him. “Really? On the first day of school?”

“Yep.” He popped the last letter, like a challenge for Connor to say otherwise. “I got here before the other students and it kind of escalated from there. It´s just bullshit. The tree is the only green thing in this school and they want to get rid of it. Doesn’t make sense to me. So, I protested.”

He sounded proud of it. _His_ Evan would have a field day, even though it was a noble course.

Connor didn’t dare to ask how the school property got damaged along the way.

“That`s really cool.” He acknowledged and nodded his approval. “And you`re right. It sucks that the teachers can`t see that the tree makes this a better place for students.”

Evan`s brows furrowed at that. “Really? I thought you were a teacher`s pet, Murphy. Didn’t know you cared about anything that doesn’t involve getting good grades and playing baseball.”

Baseball. Sure. That explained some things. In this reality, life, universe, whatever, he seemed to be the son his dad always had wished for.

“I`m full of surprises, I guess.”

They sat in comfortable silence, which felt like the calm aftermath of a hurricane, walking through all the damage but being glad that you`ve made it out alive.

“What are you doing later?” Connor tried to ask casually, but it came out cautious. Under different circumstances it could`ve been funny.

When Connor first met Evan, their first interactions were defined by Connor`s inattentive attitude, it was when he was still smoking pot regularly and he just didn’t care about a lot of things, Evan excluded. Evan was the one in their friendship who thought twice before speaking or didn’t think at all and then apologized a lot. He used to be the nervous wreck and now Connor couldn’t even look in the green-brown eyes he loved so dearly. It was funny.

But every amusement for the bizarre situation left Connor`s body when Evan just shrugged and looked him straight in the eyes.

“I`m going to kill myself.”

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

Connor all but stared at him, he couldn’t feel his face anymore, his whole body seemed to cool down until his hands shook violently and he automatically hid them from Evan under his desk. Evan cocked a provocative eyebrow at him and looked out of the window again, and no, Evan must have mistaken his reaction, he didn’t want Evan to think that Connor was disgusted by him or thinking of him as a freak, but this couldn’t be-

Evan was supposed to be happy.

He continued staring out of the window, watching the leaves gently flowing in the wind, and fidgeted with the pencil in his hand. His paper was still empty. And all Connor could do was to still stare at him, horrified by the mere thought of it and shocked how this Evan just said that so unaffected. Like he didn’t care anymore.

Connor didn’t know if he could find his voice right now, but he had to try, because this…This was unacceptable.

“I think you really shouldn’t.” He settled on that eventually, because he couldn’t just grab Evan and scream at him, that this wasn’t supposed to happen, he had a wonderful and bright future ahead of him, that in another life he was loved and he was in love with him and he didn’t understand why, but Connor was pretty sure he only ended up here because he needed to prevent Evan from going that far.

Evan let out a bitter laugh. It was like a punch into Connor`s gut.

“Yeah, sure.” Evan snorted and shook his head. “Like you, or anyone really, would care. My mom is pretty much away all the time and probably wouldn’t notice if I would just off myself. I don’t have any friends around here, because I don’t fit into their circles and groups and I don’t want to, anyway. So, there is literally no point to stay around longer.”

“What about living for yourself?” Connor couldn’t let it slide so easily, Evan was basically planning his suicide in front of him, who barely knew him it seemed, he could not accept that Evan gave up on himself that easily. For a tiny moment, he wondered if Evan would have tried to convince him like that if he knew about Connor`s trail of thoughts last night.

“What`s the point?” Evan asked stubbornly. “After this year is over, I will go to a community college, because we can`t effort real colleges and my grades are barely noteworthy, so it will be a pain in the ass. After that, I will find a boring nine to five job, because the employers of the things I`m really interested in won`t find me interesting enough to work for them, without any health insurance for chances of rising up. I will make enough money to get by, but not enough to save it up to travel the world and really get to know what life is all about.”

“Is this really how you think about it?” Connor asked sadly. “What about all the people you haven’t met yet? You can`t know that there are no people out there who would love your ambitions and your character, who would appreciate you for your ideas and visions. You really sell yourself short here, Evan, I`ve seen you work before, you don’t rest until you think it`s perfect. That`s really impressing, okay?”

_And you`re kind and mindful and you´re really listening to what people have to say, you try to see truth in every situation and you don’t give up easily. You bring out the best in people and you showed me what it`s like to really feel alive without any regrets or sorrow. You`re everything._

Evan didn’t seem convinced.

“What about falling in love?” Connor demanded to know and his breath hitched as Evan looked right at him. His eyes flickered to his mouth for a millisecond, but Evan didn’t notice. Or he hoped so. “And what about all the trees in all the grey places you didn’t save yet?”

Evan hummed as an answer, like he was really thinking about it.

Connor stopped ranting about all the reasons to stay alive, but his mind continued to list more and more and more, and once again Connor wished to lay in bed again, so he could prevent his head from going straight to the pills like they were the ultimate solution.

He heard the scratching sound of a pencil on paper, and watched in wonder and relief how Evan began to write.

* * *

“So.” Connor began as they exited the school and walked towards the parking lot. Neither of them had a car, but they both seemed too much in their head to simply say goodbye yet. “What are you doing later?”

Evan stopped in his tracks and looked at Connor with a confused look, like he couldn’t believe that Connor cared, like someone would check twice to see if he was going to be okay. It broke Connor`s heart. In another life, in his real life, he wouldn’t hesitate to hug Evan, hug him so tightly until all his worries went away even though mental health didn’t work like that. Connor would know.

Evan exhaled and looked at the sky, clear blue and without a cloud in sight.

“I think I`m just going to pick up my mom from her lecture and order Thai for us.” He nodded at himself reassuringly. “Yeah, I think that’s it. It`s been a hell of a first day.”

“It really was.” Connor was not sure if Evan heard him, because his voice turned so fucking small, because his throat was tight with emotion. “And that sounds great, by the way. I think you should do that.”

“Yeah.” Evan nodded and looked at him again with the tiniest smile. “See you tomorrow?”

And Connor just wanted to collapse on the ground of the parking lot, because last night he was the one to ask Evan that, Evan who brightly smiled at him and wished him a good night, and now it was still Evan, but another one, and it still didn’t make sense, and he knew he couldn’t do anything else than just to reply softly.

“Tomorrow.”

Evan nodded and turned away, walking across the parking lot to reach the bus stop, and Connor wanted to follow him, but as he took a small step forward, his stomach constricted hard and he gasped.

_This feels wrong._

His breath came out heavier, he panted against the pain in his body that slowly but surely spread itself across his bones and veins, and his legs buckled and suddenly he was on his knees and didn’t remember falling. Black spots danced in front his vision. Maybe he had swallowed the pills and now the time had come for him to make his exit, but the ground underneath his hands still felt too solid for him to slowly die and fear overtook his thoughts, because he couldn’t die, he was sorry that he ever thought about it, he was so so so so sorry-

“Evan!” Connor called out, still clutching at his stomach and it hurt, it hurt so fucking badly and he needed help right now, but just as Evan turned around to look at him, Connor felt a crack going through his entire body.

His vision blurred until he only made out a silhouette running towards him, and then he was gone.


	3. nights to remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It scares me sometimes. The way you look at him. Like he´s your entire world."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone!  
> If you already read "across a million lifetimes", you might catch some references in this chapter :)

Connor woke up in his bed with a pounding headache.

This time, he didn’t shoot up from the messed-up pillows, but carefully took in his room.

The wall where all the trophies had been and mockingly blinked back at him, was blank once again. There was no text book beside him either. A worn-out copy of The Little Prince was there, which was good, right? The glass of water stood there was well, everything looked pretty normal to him.

He braced himself on his elbows and looked at the clock. Way past eight.

Alright, he could deal with that, right now being late on the first day of school didn’t seem to be much of an issue compared to the fact that he thought he ended up in some shitty life where Evan was a punk and didn’t know him. And wanted to kill himself, but Connor shut that thought out real fast.

He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in.

It was a dream. Just a fucking dream.

But having a history of borderline paranoia and trust issues, Connor couldn’t be sure enough.

He reached for his drawer, preparing to find the pills, preparing for the last weight lifting from his chest, because it had been a dream all along, everything was fine and he wasn’t losing his mind.

He should have prepared for the worst, it turned out.

The pills were still gone.

 _Shit_.

Connor closed his eyes and then slapped himself. Like, hard. Right across the face.

Nothing changed, he was still sitting in bed without the missing pills.

He heard faint voices coming from downstairs, someone laughed and there was movement.

Alright, that was it.

He pushed the covers back and away, didn’t care looking at the mess that was his hair and sprinted down the stairs, only stopping once to discover that the baseball photo with his dad was gone. _Fucking hell._

As he got closer to the kitchen from where the noise was coming from, he made out his sister and Jared, currently arguing over the right way to eat waffles.

“Okay, this is not even up to discussion, Jared, you can`t roll the waffles like a joint, okay? That`s like, illegal, really.”

“But you can`t eat them with a fork and knife either, I know you guys are loaded, but this isn’t a five-star restaurant! Waffles don’t deserve to be eaten like fish or something!”

“Maybe we should come to the conclusion that every person can eat their waffles the way they want to?” A third voice Connor would recognize everywhere.

He stamped around the corner and threw the door open like a mad man.

“Evan, what did you do last summer?” Connor rushed into the kitchen and went straight for Evan until he stood before him and their noses were almost touching. Evan breathed out and Connor felt the warm air on his skin, a distraction. He didn’t wear dark clothes, so that was a start and he didn’t smell like cigarette smoke. He needed to focus, he couldn’t just get lost in his eyes right now, this was important.

“Way to make an entrance, Murphy.” Jared commented, shaking his head and grabbing his waffle-joint again.

“C-Connor?” Evan observed him unsure, still standing a bit too close and Connor was sure he had invaded his personal space, but it didn’t matter. He needed the truth about in what life he ended up this time.

“Just tell me, please.” He responded irritated and watched Evan`s features carefully.

“Me in my mom were on vacation in Israel.” Evan replied and the corner of his mouth twitched. “I sent each of you like a dozen photos every day.”

Fuck.

This really wasn’t cool anymore, he must`ve lost his mind somewhere on the last night before school, he imagined lives he never lived and everyone was different, they weren’t supposed to be like this-

He _did_ spent the entire summer with Evan.

Nothing could convince him otherwise. But in this life, Evan wasn’t his boyfriend. A-fucking-gain.

He looked at Jared challenging. “Are you still on library duty?”

Jared laughed and it echoed around their giant kitchen. “What are you thinking, man, like I would ever walk into a library willingly, no offence. Besides, the library is closed, because every school club member is preparing their part for the prom next week.”

“Yeah, that’s why Alana is so busy these days” Zoe cut herself another piece of waffle. “She is almost in every club they offered last September, chess excluded, because no one knows how to play that game.”

“I know how to play chess.”

“You don’t count, Evan, you also know what a armorphophallus mpaeoniifolius is.”

“Of course, it`s a very interesting plant and-“

“Wait, did you just say that prom is _next week_?” Connor interrupted and the ringing in his ears got louder with every second passing. “It´s September first. First day of school.”

“ _No_?” Jared chimed in and raised his eyebrows in amused confusion. “It`s almost April, my friend! I mean, I know we went to a lot of senior parties over the last weeks, but I can`t believe you`re so wiped that you don’t even remember what day it is.”

Something paralyzed Connor`s insides.

 _How_ was this possible?

Not only did he end up in another life, but also in a different time now?

He missed the entire senior year.

No, this wasn’t correct either, _his_ senior year was still ahead of him, but in this timeline, he already lived through all of that. Did he overtake the body of his parallel-self while jumping through different lives? What if the Connor that was supposed to be here was currently trapped inside him?

“Connor, you should eat a waffle.” Zoe suggested cautiously and offered him a plate with a perfect waffle with strawberries, his favorite combination in the world, and also Evan´s. This hasn’t changed overnight. Why was he the same guy as yesterday, but everyone else were alternate and slightly changed versions of themselves?

Evan`s hand touched his shoulder. Everyone watched as he halfhearted picked up a fork and began to take a tiny bite. No use of thinking when you just woke up, right?

“See, he eats them with a fork as well, because he isn’t a caveman!”

“ZOE!”

* * *

Over the next days, Connor tried to find clues of why all of this continued to happen to him, while also being busy and wrapped up in senior year shit.

Things eventually balanced out a bit, once he concluded that this time not too many things had changed and he also wasn’t the superstar of their school and apparently it looked like his grades would turn out good. Not great, but okay. Larry was also nice to him, but he lectured him sometimes about still concentrating on the important stuff, even if the year was almost over.

Cynthia smiled sympathetically at her husband and cocked an eyebrow. “Do I need to remind you of the things _we_ did in our final weeks of school? We definitely didn’t do school, Larry.”

They exchanged a smitten look and Connor cringed.

“Mom, too much information!”, called Zoe from the living room and they burst into laughter.

The other day, he helped Evan and Alana decorating some signs and sending out invitations for the teachers and the parents who would chaperone during prom, while also successfully ditching questions involving his future after graduation.

Honestly, he had no clue.

His mind was still stuck in September and he always figured he would find his way _along_ the way, you know? Plus, he had no idea how long he was going to stay around in this life. When it happened for the first time, he barely stayed a day there. Now he had been here for three days and he didn’t feel any pain that announced his vanishing before catapulting him away.

Should he keep a journal about his travels with him? Would that even make sense?

He guessed he could try, the next time, to take something with him. Would it vanish or stay in this life? It sure was a lot to think about.

On Thursday night, Connor drove Evan and the girls to A La Mode.

They just had finished preparing the last bit of decoration for the gym and were hungry as fuck. Also, apparently, they were seniors now, so fuck eating at reasonable times.

Jared wasn’t allowed to go out that late and he made sure to voice it dramatically, because his mom wanted to go prom shopping with him and his siblings who weren’t seniors but got an invitation anyways in the morning.

The rest of their group sat in a small corner of the café and the waitress had looked at them with a curious expression, because some sleepwalking kids walked into the café like zombies shortly before midnight.

“What can I get you guys?” She asked anyways and led them to a round table. Despite himself, Connor loved the woolly atmosphere of A La Mode, there was something about the pastel seats and fancy boards with handwriting on them, that deeply comforted him. If felt like home, in another life.

“I`ll take the homemade cheese cake.” Alana

“I`ll have the Oreo Sundae but do you guys still have fruit snacks at the candy bar?”, asked Zoe and ignored Evan`s disgusted face at it. “Yeah, then I`ll have some of those too, but not in the sundae, okay?”

“Peppermint bowl for me, please.” Connor murmured and passed the menu to Evan, who bit his lip and quickly read all the options.

“Uhm, I…” He got a bit lost along the lines. “The vanilla hot fudge sounds good.”

As the waited for their orders to arrive, they listened in silence to the oldies the juke box played quietly in the corner. Connor watched Zoe`s eyes slip closed every now and then, but by the time their ice cream arrived, they were fueled by the need to freeze their brains again.

“This is excellent.”

“I`m really going to miss this once we´re out of school.” Alana pouted sadly and sighed deeply. “After all the amazing courses we got at school, you were the best part of high school for me.”

“Aw, Alana, stop you`re gonna make me cry.” Zoe said and gathered a big scoop of ice cream on her spoon. “I`m going to miss you so much, next year is going to be so boring.”

“You still see me every day, Zo.” Connor reminded her sleepily. “We live together.”

“That`s not the same!” Zoe exclaimed and startled Evan who just stared at his hot fudge, pushing the melting ice cream around it.

“Evan, you`re alright?” Connor immediately noticed and couldn’t stop himself from placing a steady arm around him, noticing how he shrunk into himself further while being addressed.

“Yes, it`s fine, I´m just…kind of emotional?” He offered and blinked a couple of times before looking at Connor and the girls. “This year went over so fast and now prom is already coming up. I didn’t get an answer yet from my dream college even though the deadline for the replies is not too far away anymore. I wished this would’ve happened more fluently, you know? I don’t want to wait around for an answer to appear, but by now I think they forgot me? Or I´m not good enough to join their program.”

He heard Evan sniffle and pulled him closer on instinct, only concentrating on making him feel better and not catching the look on his sister`s face.

“It`s not too late yet to get an answer from them, Ev.” Connor reasoned and squeezed his shoulder softly. “They probably always wait until most of the high schools finished up their stuff and people really have time to apply without pressure.”

“I agree with Connor.” Alana chimed in and reached over the table to take Evan`s hand. “Most colleges won`t send around offers before prom season ended. You`ll be fine, Evan, you`re too smart for them to not take you.”

And it was okay.

Connor held his breath in fear of Alana asking him about college plans as well, but after that they fell back into meaningless chattering, only enjoying their ice cream and the lovely tunes from the juke box.

* * *

Connor had never played Mario Kart with his friends before.

The opportunity just never came up and he didn’t feel like he missed out on much. In his childhood, he had been more of a Pokemon kid, running across the lawn all day and playing with Zoe who insisted to also have Pokemon`s, even though she had been too small to understand anything more than some of them were cute.

However, as he found himself sitting on an old, brown leather couch, in Jared`s basement on a rainy night, some things just made sense.

For example, Evan, who was quick to pick Toad as his player and Jared, who immediately sprang into action and listed all the cons of choosing the _fucking mushroom guy_ and why Wario is the best choice if you really want to win this game.

Connor shrugged and picked Princess Peach, because why the fuck not. On the pink motorcycle he picked, she looked kind of badass. Evan chuckled after he confirmed his player and send him a small smile. He knew he shouldn’t get too comfortable, but being in a life now where Evan was kind to him was like healing after interacting with his not-so-kind self in the former life he had visited.

He had settled on the term _life_ to describe the worlds he had traveled so far, because anything else felt too weird at this point of the journey. What a statement.

Soon they were racing their way through the star cup and Connor didn’t notice when Jared pulled out the joint, but they paused every now and then to pass it around. Connor felt like he was floating around and wondered where Jared got good weed like that, but he didn’t ask him, because he still had to focus on the races.

“So, does one of you losers have a date for prom?” Jared asked and immediately snickered like the mere thought was hilarious to him. He sounded like a racoon and Connor suddenly laughed and then turned very red because the question sunk in.

Evan squirmed beside him uncomfortably.

“Have you?” Connor deflected and bit his tongue when a green shell got him again and he fell back on the seventh place.

“No, but I´m single and ready to mingle.” Jared shrugged and stilled to take the joint from Connor. Evan had passed this round.

“Oh my god, you did not just say that, you sound like a grandpa.” Evan laughed at him and he was a little high and his cheeks were rosy. Connor wanted to lung forward and tackle him in a hug. A nice thought, but he didn’t. For obvious reasons. He didn’t even know if Evan was attracted to guys in this life.

“You know what they say, Hansen, the ladies always prefer the experienced guys.”

“That`s why you`ll go home alone, Jared.” Connor said slowly, like a very high turtle.

“Oh, come on, you`re so full of shit, Connor!”

While the Evan beside him also confirmed that he was in fact going alone and that it was actually cool because none of them had a date and they could just go as friends, Connor thought about his Evan.

What was he doing now? Assuming that time stood still or moved very slowly in his real life while Connor traveled, Connor figured that it was still night there and Evan probably was asleep right now, hopefully having better dreams than he was.

 _If_ this was dream.

He hoped he would figure it out soon, because he missed his Evan, deeply.

He watched Princess Peach fall from the rainbow road into nothingness.

* * *

The sleepover was Evan`s idea.

It was a Friday night, exactly one week away from their prom, and they all were at Evan`s house, because Heidi took a long night shift and wouldn’t be home until tomorrow, so they couldn’t disturb anyone. The group planned on staying awake until the morning sun would rise up.

Jared was very optimistic about it.

“I mean, this isn’t so different from all the times I play computer games until I literally have to force myself to go to the bathroom.” Jared explained casually and helped the girls unpacking the groceries in the kitchen, because the fridge had been almost empty and wasn’t prepared for guests. Connor had noticed how pink Evan`s ears got when they discovered that, but no one made a big deal out of it. They just went to Walmart and maybe had a trolley race in the aisle with the chips and chocolates.

Jared added after the while: “And believe me, you don’t want to hear the story about the one time I didn’t listen to my swollen bladder.”

“Gross.” Connor and Zoe commented at the same time and shot each other a grin.

Alana and Evan came back to the kitchen just in time as Zoe announced she would order pizza for everyone. While everyone looked intently at the delivery service flyer, Connor noticed how Evan fidgeted with the hem of his shirt.

“What`s the matter?” He asked gently and moved to sit down on the counter next to Evan.

Evan didn’t look at him, as he replied shyly: “I`m kind of worried that we`ll fall asleep and the TV stays on? I mean, this is really stupid and I shouldn’t think about it too much, but-“

“No, it`s alright, really.” Connor reassured him and was stunned at how similar this Evan was to the one in his real life. Even though, Evan had got more comfortable with his own skin, he still had some worries that took a while to sort out. “Spill.”

“Like, uhm.” Evan scratched his head. “It`s gonna raise the electricity bill, right? It´s an electronic device and it´s attached to our house, so it`s going to raise the monthly bill, and my mom kind of spent a lot already on my prom suit and the celebratory diner we had that other night, so I don’t want her to worry because I fell asleep and left the TV on, you know?”

_Oh, Evan._

Connor tried to smile as encouraging as possible and nodded. “I can get behind that. I…understand your concern actually, I hate it too if I forget to turn my laptop off before going to sleep. I don’t want you to be worried tonight, okay?” This was such a bad comparison, shit.

Evan snorted, but at least he smiled again. “It`s my party, so shouldn’t I be the one to take care of my guests?”

“You got me there.” Connor joked, but didn’t yield from his side. “But seriously, don’t worry about it. Most of the time I don`t fall asleep early anyways, so I can watch the TV, too, okay?” _And I can`t stop caring about you, even if I try._

Evan nodded like he genuinely believed that Connor was right. “Okay.”

“Guys, what do you want?” Zoe asked and handed them the menu of different pizzas, already typing in a number of the service. Connor knew that Evan sometimes struggled to make decisions while being under pressure, so he wondered if Evan still liked the same pizza in this life, and set everything on one card.

“Four cheese pizza?”

“Absolutely!”

And Connor thought that maybe, this wasn’t too bad.

Eventually, the settled for a Harry Potter marathon, because Zoe and Evan haven’t seen them since they were children and who the fuck didn’t love Harry Potter? Connor remembered reading the first book as a kid and it was an eye-opening experience for him, forgetting about his nightmare-like middle school time and diving right into another world. Oh, how ironic fate could be sometimes…

The group assembled in the living room, Evan reminding Jared how he was not allowed to eat Pizza on the couch, so Jared sat down on the carpet in front of it, by the round table Heidi got at a local flea market. Or at least, Heidi got it at a flea market in _his_ life and Connor and Evan had helped her carry it home, he didn’t know about this one.

Zoe and Alana carried blankets and pillows to make themselves a comfy nest on the long half of the couch, and set up the DVD recorder.

“Wait, why don’t we watch them on Netflix?” Jared interrupted and bit into his pepperoni piece, while Evan closed the blinds and Connor went to grab soda and bowls of chips from the kitchen counter.

“They`re not on Netflix, dumbass.”, replied Zoe and shoved a pillow at him, which Jared caught easily and stuffed it behind his back. “Besides, Evan has the collector’s edition with cool bonus stuff on it.”

“Yeah, they were a gift for my eleventh birthday or so.” Evan smiled fondly at the slipcase with discs and Connor`s cheeks flushed a bright red, like how was he so cute in every life he`s been so far.

God, he wished he could kiss him. If he didn’t travel through different dimensions or whatever the fuck this was, he would’ve kissed him by now. Because he was allowed and Evan loved him just as much and maybe sometimes thought Connor was cute too.

But not in this life.

He slumped beside Evan into the cushions and tried to relax. Their shoulders almost touched and Connor was sure that sparks would fire if they did.

“Is everyone good?” Zoe asked and grabbed the remote, checking if they were good to go and accidently kicking Jared in the shoulder along the way.

“ _Jesus_ , why are you Murphy`s always so hyperactive?!”

“Jared, you`re Jewish.” Alana reasoned.

“Alright, let`s get this show on the road!”

It was torture.

Honestly.

It was like telling a child to go sit in a corner and not move for the next hours. Connor felt trapped, his socked feet getting warm underneath all the blankets and the dimmed light in the living room made him feel like he was getting dizzy and lightheaded.

He tried his best to focus on his friends and listened to Jared`s commentary on the badly transposed special effects and shook his head no when he asked the group if they noticed the camera man in between the students during the Defense of the Dark Arts duel.

As the world passed by, Connor`s heart stopped every time Evan would move beside him and brushed accidently against his arm. He regretted wearing only a black shirt for the evening. He was aware of every tiny spot they were touching, even if Evan only reached forwards to hand Alana some red vines or moved around to get more comfortable.

Fuck, he felt like he was fourteen again, when he didn’t know anything about boys and would have a heart attack when a cute guy from school looked at him too closely. In the beginning he thought they would look at him, because maybe he was also cute in the eyes of others, until he was shoved into a hard locker for the first time and was sent home.

Now, his heart fluttered in awareness that Evan sat so closely to him.

Don’t get him wrong, his heart still fluttered back in his life when Evan would do the tiniest things, but back there he had an outlet to compensate all of Evan`s cuteness. Evan did something hilarious? He would kiss him. Evan was smiling and his nose did this thing where it scrunched up for a second? Connor would kiss him. Connor would love Evan until he physically could not anymore, but that was unlikely, because he had a healthy heart and for now, he was sure, it wouldn’t stop anytime soon.

Now, he was only allowed to be his friend. And it killed him.

He felt tiny knives stabbing him whenever Evan touched him, and it was strange, because he also loved it, but he couldn’t reach out, he was only allowed to look and be his friend.

As the third movie began, Connor thought to himself fiercely, that whatever happened, he could be whatever Evan needed him to be at the moment.

“Hey.” Connor gently notched his friend in the side. “Need anything from the kitchen?”

Evan blinked sleepily at him and shook his head, curling further into the fuzzy blankets.

Connor silently slipped out of them and grabbed himself a drink that wasn’t exactly sleepover-friendly.

The hours slid along and after a while when Voldemort came back and they couldn’t laugh so much anymore about the bubbly and happy scenery of the movies, he noticed that his friends were asleep.

He moved his head to the side to see that Alana had laid her head on Zoe`s shoulder. The TV screen got reflected in her glasses and her brows were drawn together. She probably dreamed about saving the world, Connor was sure.

His eyes traveled and found Jared, in a more than what seemed to be unconformable position to sleep, snoring loudly and Connor turned the volume down a bit, and considered recording it with his phone, so he could blackmail him later if he would be a dick again.

He decided against it, but only because he was friends in his real life with Jared too and it wasn’t the other Jared`s fault that he had been on library duty. God, this was so fucked.

Evan suddenly shifted beside him and Connor remembered turning the TV off. Now the only thing enlightening the room was moonlight that came through the curtains, bathing Evan`s face in some kind of glow. Connor had always thought that Evan looked really young in his sleep, features all relaxed and at peace.

He was beautiful.

He caught himself staring at his face for way too long and knew this certainly wasn’t a look a friend gave his friend. His best friend. The love of his life.

He took in everything about Evan, watching how his chest slowly lifted and then letting out an exhale, so softly that Connor had to be really quiet to hear him breathe.

Evan snuggled closer and then his head was resting half on his shoulder, half on his heart, and Connor cursed internally, because this was like code red, complete sensory overload. He felt Evan breathe against his exposed collarbone and he was sure in seconds Evan would wake up from his heart that sped up like he was running a marathon.

Suddenly, he felt Zoe`s eyes on him and carefully turned his head to not wake the others.

His sister was watching him with big eyes and chewed intently on her lip.

“What`s the matter, Zo?” He whispered and furrowed his brows at her. Did she notice that Connor was practically dying from being so touch starved that his skin burned where Evan was resting?

Her voice sounded wobbly, like she was holding a deeper thought back for both for their sakes. “It scares me sometimes. The way you look at him. Like he`s your entire world.”

Connor felt himself tearing up at these words coming straight from his little sister`s heart, but he bit the hot tears back, even though it felt like he was suffocating. He blinked a couple of times to get rid of it.

“It scares me too.” He replied unsteady. “It scares me so fucking much.”

He didn’t remember falling asleep after that.

* * *

It was their prom night.

Connor always supposed that he wouldn’t care too much about prom since he never attended other social school events in the first place, but he surprised himself when he noticed how excited he actually was when the big day came closer.

He drove Zoe to the mall the other day, to help her pick out a dress even though she wasn’t technically a senior, but she was part of their gang, so her inviting herself didn’t disturb any members of the faculty.

He hadn’t minded spending hours and hours at the mall, visiting store after store and commenting on every dress Zoe had put on. In fact, it was kind of nice, spending time with his sister who didn’t have a care in the world and tried on another dress, insisting that it was only for science and would be the last one.

It distracted him from the overshadowing problem that this wasn’t his actual life. Time travel wasn’t possible and still, he ended up months forward from the first day of school. Also, Evan wasn’t the same Evan that protested against the teachers because of a tree, Jared wasn’t working in the library, and Zoe and Alana weren’t a couple.

So, no time travel.

Which only left the jumping between different lives as an explanation for this mess.

Connor had never thought about parallel universes since the last Marvel movies came out, but this was a thing now, so whenever he wasn’t spending time with his friends, he thought about that. And dreaded the moment he would travel again. He could still feel the pain in his stomach from the first time it happened. God, he had thought he was really going to die. This scared him and he wasn’t qualified to deal with it, but he had no choice than to just wait it out until it happened again.

If it happens again.

Fuck.

He wanted to return to his normal life, but he didn’t know how.

Where was the guy from Back to the Future when you needed him?

His face was lit by the colorful spotlights that illuminated the dark gym hall, wandering above the full crowd of dancing and talking students and sometimes lightening up the dark corners where the couples made out.

He spotted his parents among the other chaperoning adults who looked like they were in high school all over again and smiled quietly to himself and took a sip from the punch in his glass. Alana made sure to only organize reusable cups and plates, which was why the buffet and the tables were a strange mix thrown together by eager parents.

Connor caught himself in of the mirrors. They were Zoe`s idea and made the gym look way bigger than it actually was. He wore a black suit, made out of some velvet material, and over his heart pinned a small, blue flower. He also chose a long ribbon tie instead of a normal tie, because he never had the patience to learn the procedure correctly, and had his mahogany hair open.

He looked...really good. He wondered if he could find that exact same suit again when he got back.

“Connor!” Someone screeched across the pounding speakers and he looked up to spot Zoe in the middle of the dancefloor, waving him to their little circle.

He left his drink and made his way over to his friends.

Thank god, the DJ was a good one, otherwise dancing would’ve been awkward.

But he felt himself letting loose once he pushed through the dancing students, and by the time he arrived next to Evan and Jared, who had an air guitar solo it seemed, he was already jumping with them, screaming along the lyrics with all the others.

_I want something else to get me through this_

_Semi charmed kinda life, baby, baby_

_I want something else, I`m not listening when you say_

_Good-bye_

They couldn’t stop dancing.

After eleven, the DJ began to play some really cool 80s hits and Connor laughed until he couldn’t anymore when Jared had the audacity to pick up Alana and twirl her around until he was out of breath and a seam on his dress pants came loose.

In a haze, he also grabbed Evan`s hand and suddenly was really close to him, still dancing and singing along with Tears For Fears, but closing his eyes, because fuck, he missed this, his face so close to Evan`s, but this wasn’t Evan to also wanted him to be close, so he played it down and just twirled him again.

He didn’t know how it happened, but by the end of the night, all of them squeezed together to fit into Jared`s combi and Alana, who didn’t drink alcohol, drove them to the river, all of them sitting on the cold stairs by the promenade and looking out on the water, letting the cool air of the night lull them in.

Zoe and Alana stood up and threw some rocks on the smooth surface and Jared hummed some songs from before, while Evan fumbled out his phone and looked at the screen. He looked like he had seen a ghost.

“Evan?”

“Oh my god.”

“What is it?”

“I…” He stood up on shaking legs and turned to him in disbelief. “I got in.”

“What?” Zoe paused throwing rocks and turned to him with wide eyes. “Come again?”

“I got in, oh my god!”

Everybody screamed and they were a bundle of hugs, all of them pressed together to hold Evan in their middle and chanting and cheering under the night sky.

“Congratulations Evan, you really deserve it!”, said each on them about a dozen times before they calmed back down enough to sit down again.

 _This was great_ , Connor thought. Evan deserved happiness in every life that`s possibly out there. He was glad, deep down, that he got to see this moment and didn’t end up somewhere else.

“Are you happy?” He heard himself asking.

“Yes.” Evan said and grinned brightly at him, not second-guessing himself. “I really am.”

“That’s good.” His stomach churned and the world swayed a little bit, wait no, _he_ was the one swaying and losing balance. “That`s really good, Evan.” His words were slurred as everything faded for the second time.

He was gone in seconds.


	4. ease my mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You deserve someone who stands in your corner and doesn`t work against you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might be one of my favorite chapters of this story!  
> I´m excited to read what you think and hope all of you have a lovely sunday <3

The first thing he noticed was the bed that wasn’t his.

He had expected to wake up in his bed at home once more, but as he squinted against the light and shifted to look out of the window, he saw snow.

It snowed and there was a tree outside of his window, which was strange. His window at home only showed him the street in front of their house.

Which could only mean two things. First, he wasn’t at home this time. Second, it was winter and definitely not the first day of senior year or the last week before prom.

Connor just wished that the camera people would come out of their hiding places by now, telling him he won a million dollars or something like that.

He groaned and cuddled himself deeper into the scratchy sheets.

Pinned to the wall over his bed, next to some indie concert tickets and black and white photographs, was a picture of him and Evan. It was the kind of photo that you could print out with these retro pastel cameras everyone had these days.

It showed both of them in the middle of a street, other people fading into the blurry background. Apparently, they didn’t notice the camera capturing the moment, because Connor raised a hand to the side of his face, shouting something with utter concentration on his face and holding up a sign that didn’t make it into the square picture. Next to him, Evan couldn’t help himself, bursting into laughter and looking at Connor with a scrunched-up nose like he was the funniest person alive. Connor also wore a pride flag over his shoulders and Evan`s cheeks were decorated by a beautiful mix of pink, purple, blue.

Connor connected the dots.

They must have gone to either a demonstration or pride parade together. Probably both combined.

On the white frame, someone had scribbled a small caption: _Off to save the world! E_

His heart beat a hint louder.

Evan was here, this was going to be fine.

He felt his way around on the bed and grabbed his phone, the black case embellished by some political statement sticker. Connor looked at the date and nodded to himself, trying his best to not freak out.

According to his phone, he was twenty-three years old and it was Monday, the 22th December.

He opened Maps and stared at the location for a long, long time.

He was at one of the best colleges in the state.

In his dorm, just two days before Christmas.

* * *

He stood in the middle of the dorm and slowly turned around to take all of it in.

His bed was on the left side of the room, slightly elevated from the ground to store some containers and drawers under the bed frame. He somehow had managed to fit a narrow bookshelf behind the door, full of old classics and some school books. Others had a tiny label on it to brand it as property of the library. They were no school pride banners with tigers or eagles on it, no sign of sport equipment or trophies this time. Thank god.

He also had one side of a desk under the window sill that was full of different kinds of pencils and color palettes, strictly organized in small containers or expensive cases. A wooden mannequin and scissors in all kinds of sizes.

Connor`s heart jumped excitedly as he moved closer to touch the paintbrushes and notebooks regarding his lessons.

“Creative and Visual Arts.” He mumbled out loud and closed the book shut. “Nice, man.”

He was impressed, to be honest. Over the summer, before everything went to shit and he ended up in a different life, he played with the thought of maybe going into arts after high school. It just seemed to be a natural decision for him, because the one two things that meant everything to him, were arts and literature. And Evan, but he couldn’t study a person, obviously.

Connor caught sight of a small sticky note that was pinned to his laptop.

_Left early to catch the bus to my parent`s place. Happy Christmas! See you in one week, Nathan_

That explained the empty other side of the room. Nathan was his roommate, he assumed strongly. It didn’t sound like a note someone would write after a one-night stand.

He checked his phone again and prepared for the worst-case scenario that included not having any contact with his family anymore, because that would explain why he was alone in a college dorm during Christmas holidays. At least he had Evan, who laughed with him at protests and wrote him photograph captions, this time.

He opened the chat with his mom.

**_Are you alright, honey? I kinda feel bad in hindsight for booking these tickets to Europe..love, mom_ **

**_it really is fine, you know i don’t like skiing anyways_ **

**_Please take care of yourself! are you seeing friends on Christmas?_ **

**_evan might come over, his mom is working_ **

**_Poor Heidi. Tell Evan I said hi._ **

**_will do. now back to racing down a dangerous ice road!_ **

**_Ha-ha. Love you xx_ **

He also peaked into his chat with Zoe, finding a short video of her screaming on top of her lungs in the middle of a Swizz dance floor. Followed by some drunk texts, going into remarking detail on how she loved the German Schlager they played in the clubs all the time.

The phone buzzed as another text arrived.

It was from Evan and Connor` heart speeded up automatically.

**_Breakfast?_ **

****

He never typed so fast to reply.

**yes. text me the address?**

**Same place as usual.**

He groaned in frustration, but seconds later Evan sent him a link to Maps, with the location of a local campus café.

Connor all but stumbled across his dorm in search for some nice clothes.

 _This was good_ , he tried to calm his racing nerves. This meant that him and Evan were at least friends in this life, right? Friends go out with other friends to get breakfast two days before Christmas, right? Right?

God, he was freaking out and fumbled around way too long to get his arms into his black coat.

Being in his twenties suited him, in a weird way.

Looking back at a time where Connor didn’t even think he would make it past eighteen, seeing his grown self in the mirror woke some kind of pride in him. And apparently, in this reality he led a good life, stayed in touch with his family and got into a good college, doing something he liked. If he done it here, living through his senior year back at home suddenly didn’t seem so bad anymore.

But now, he was here, in some nice clothes and with the hint of the three-day-beard.

And he had to go to meet Evan, or some alternation of Evan from another life.

He was in dire need of some good coffee.

The café wasn’t too far away and he walked across the campus with interest, taking it all in and imagining himself sitting under a tree in summer, nose in a good book or preparing for finals. Now, the paths were empty and most lights in the dorm quarters were out, most students gone to visit their families back home.

He shivered from the cold as he entered the café, looking around to see that only three other students sat at the small tables, absorbed by their laptops. A tired looking barista cleaned up behind the counter, but smiled at him anyways.

Just as he freed himself from the knitted monster of a scarf he had found beside his jacket, he spotted Evan in a far corner by a huge window side, tapping his fingers against a coffee cup.

He quickly ordered a black coffee and made his way over to him.

“Good morning.” He said and became very aware of the fact that he didn’t know how he was supposed to greet Evan. They were friends, according to the photos and texts, but were they let`s-hug-when-we-see-each-other friends or did they do fist bumps? Connor cringed internally.

Turned out, Evan did the hard work for him, because he stood up and drew him into the short hug.

“Hey.” Evan`s voice sounded kind of raspy. “Didn’t know what you would want, so I just got us muffins.”

“Totally fine by me.” Connor laid his coat over the back of his chair and sat down in front of Evan. As they waited for Connor`s coffee to arrive, Connor couldn’t stop glancing at the man in front of him.

Evan had also grown a beard in his twenties and his dark blond hair was fuller and styled up a little bit. Despite the fact that Connor´s cheek must have turned red from staring at him, Evan didn’t look…well.

Even though it was winter, he was too pale and there were dark circles under his eyes, like he didn’t sleep properly in the last few weeks. He also chewed a lot on his lip until Connor`s coffee finally arrived, and he had another task at hand to distract himself from biting.

They carefully ate their chocolate chip muffins.

“So, what are your plans for the holidays?” Connor knew Evan didn’t celebrate Christmas, but he had to keep the conversation going. It was a bit of a risk, to be honest, because Connor couldn’t know if they had already made plans before he arrived here, but he could always say he had a bad memory, right?

Evan let out a deep sigh and abandoned his muffin on the plate to stare out of the window.

“I should’ve booked a ticket back home, I guess.” Evan mumbled and chewed at his lip again. “The plan was to spend the holidays with…” His voice broke and Connor was shocked to see his eyes filling with tears. “Jasper broke up with me.”

The air was punched out of Connor`s lungs.

It almost felt worse than being ripped out of one life and into the next.

Because, okay. Evan had a boyfriend in college, that’s alright if it made Evan happy, Connor could’ve accepted that. But now Evan was _this_ close to having a mental breakdown in a campus café. And someone named Jasper clearly fucked him over. Connor felt pure anger racing through his veins.

“Remember the party last week where I had left early but Jasper had stayed until the end?” Evan asked and Connor nodded dumbfounded. “Yeah, so we had a big fight that evening. I mean, we fought about small stuff all the time, but this one was different from the others. I was really worried about staying for too long, because I had an essay due that I struggled with, but I went anyway because I didn’t want to disappoint him, because he was excited for the party all week.”

Connor`s hands grabbed his cup way too tightly. He might’ve been only seventeen, at least his mind was, but he knew the signs of a toxic relationship. And to be honest, Jasper already sounded like a huge dick.

“I-I didn’t realize.” Connor said even though he knew he would’ve been able to spot the slightest difference in Evan`s behavior. He knew him long enough to notice when he was uncomfortable, after all. Connor had a guess in which direction Evan`s story would lead.

“Yeah, no one did.” Evan laughed and tried to ease the tension in the air, but it didn’t work. It came out weak, and so, so sad. “So, after some time I looked for Jasper to call it a night and bid him goodbye, but he was standing with his stupid friends and was pretty drunk. He made a whole scene about how I was no fun, but I was already too…worked up on stress about the essay and him screaming at me, so I just left.”

“You should’ve told me.” Connor tried to say calm, but under his table his hands were balled into fists. “I could’ve walked you home.”

“I didn’t want to ruin the party.” Evan mumbled ashamed. “And it would’ve made Jasper even more angry. I know that the two of you don’t get along well.”

Well, no shit. Connor was almost relieved that he was able to sort the good people from the really stupid ones in this life as well.

“What happened after?”

“We`ve talked about it in the morning.” Evan shrugged and looked everywhere but Connor`s direction. “He said that I`m holding him back with my fucked-up anxiety and that we could never be truly happy, not if I`m still sick in the brain.”

Connor`s eyes widened and he leaned forward. “He said _that_?”

“Yes.” Evan confirmed and couldn’t contain the tears in his eyes anymore, looking down and letting them fall into his lap.

Connor wanted Jasper`s address. Like, right now. He wanted to get up, kick the door of his fucking dorm in and punch the shit out of the asshole.

“Evan, that`s fucked up.”

Evan all but whimpered and shrugged. “Maybe he`s right. I will never be truly happy and in a good relationship, not if I´m still stuck with…me.”

That hurt like a knife plunging into his own chest, but Connor needed to get his point across. “Okay. I need to tell you how wrong you are. There is literally no way that this person would’ve given you a good relationship, because that’s just completely wrong. You don’t say stuff like that when you really love someone, okay?”

“Maybe he just spoke out loud what everybody is already thinking.” Evan drowned his coffee down and wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his knitted sweater.

“No way.” Connor firmly shook his head. “He`s an ass and he doesn’t deserve you. Case closed. Actually, I hope he slips on a frozen puddle or chokes on bad, dry Christmas cookies at home and dies.”

It was kind of a miracle, but that managed to make Evan laugh. At least a little.

“A true Christmas miracle indeed.” He joked weakly and even smiled at Connor over the edge of his cup.

* * *

“Thanks for bearing with me.” Evan rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly as they stepped outside the café. It had started snowing again and it was not even lunch time yet, but it didn’t look like the weather would brighten up for the rest of the day.

Connor tried to shoot him a comforting smile and resisted the urge to take Evan by his shoulders and shake him, trying to get past his walls and shouting all over campus that he wasn’t a burden and he didn’t deserve any of this shit and he could be happy with Connor instead of a fucking moron named Jasper.

“So…I think I´m going back to my dorm now.” Evan pointed over his shoulder where snow already had settled. “I don’t want you to think that you have to stay with me and you`re probably busy anyways, so. Happy Christmas, Connor. See you after the break.”

Connor blinked at him and let out a puff of air.

“Yeah, that`s not happening.” He just said and kept his ground, burying his freezing hands in the warm coat and looked a bit dazzled at Evan. “There is no way you just ate breakfast with me, let me rant about this asshole and now you`re ghosting me because you decided you don’t need company anymore.”

“I don’t want you wasting your time with some heartbroken idiot.” Evan said softly and his bottom lip was trembling again and this was unacceptable. What kind of best friend would he be if he just shrugged now and went home? That was some Jasper type of shit and Connor was not here for that.

“You`re not a waste of time for me.” He contradicted fluently and took in Evan`s broken posture, the way he cramped up his shoulders and dodged his head like he was already expecting the next punch. “And I don’t think you should be alone right now, Evan. So, we go back to your dorm now and you pick up some stuff and then we´re going back to my place.”

Evan had trouble keeping up with his long strides but he followed him anyways.

“Why?”

“You`re staying with me this week.” Connor decided firmly.

* * *

After Evan packed a bag from his dorm and followed Connor up the stairs to his own, they kind of stood around a bit clueless.

Connor spread his arms and looked around the room for any dirt or trash, so he wouldn’t embarrass himself. “Make yourself a home.”

Evan smiled and looked around as well, before moving to Connor`s side of the desk and taking in all the small sketches and drawings that were sprawled out on the table. “I wasn’t here in a long time, right? I think being with Jasper cost me some great friendships.”

He sounded very sad about it, like he only began to realize now how bad Jasper`s influence had been. Connor wasn’t in the position to judge, so he just replied quietly: “Not this one.”

They almost tiptoed around each other, a new strangeness to their whole situation, and Connor was reminded of the early days of being friends with Evan, both of them too shy to manage simple conversations without blushing or their voice getting a notch too high.

Evan unpacked a couple of things and Connor tidied up the room and took out Nathan`s trash as well. He almost considered cleaning the floor and windows as well, because Evan had stepped out for a while to call his mom and check in on her.

But he didn’t feel like it and set up his laptop and opened up a tab.

Evan returned after half an hour and took in Connor who sat on one side of his bed.

“Wanna watch Drag Race?”

Connor suppressed a laugh, because Evan`s eyes immediately sparkled up and he made himself comfortable next to him, already sold to the idea.

Evan _loved_ watching Drag Race.

He loved the colorful costumes and outfits, the creativity and craftmanship behind it, and he always cried at the emotional scenes, when a queen talked about her family or got a video message from home.

Connor mainly watched for the memes and the drama, but he was also known for his snarky commentary and reads on the queens. His favorite almost always ended up winning, while Evan`s usually made Miss Congeniality.

They ended up re-watching Season Five and by the third episode Evan was distracted enough to truly enjoy the show.

Connor hated to draw him out of this bubble, but it had turned dark outside and they probably should get some sleep after the emotional rollercoaster of a day.

When they returned from the community bathroom on the second floor of the dorm building, teeth freshly brushed and already in some comfy sleeping clothes, Connor found himself faced with a problem he never thought he had to deal with.

Connor and Evan weren’t a couple in this life, so they couldn’t squeeze themselves into the small bed on Connor`s side of the room. But Evan seemed to be really uncomfortable when Connor suggested that he could use Nathan`s bed and how sure he was that his roommate wouldn’t mind anyways.

“But what if I sweat really bad in my sleep and Nathan comes back to a dirty bed?”

“We can wash his sheets when he comes back.”

“What if he just gets really angry? I would be really angry if some stranger just slept in my bed for a week while I was gone.”

“Evan, it`s really fine.” Connor tried to reason, but Evan was already torn. “I mean, we can change the sheets now, you know, we would have to move the bed around a little bit, but-“

“Wouldn’t we be like, really loud?” Evan objected. “I don’t want to wake the whole building.”

“Alright, I sleep on Nathan`s side and you take my bed.”

“No, no, that’s not what I meant, Connor-“

“Well, I`m not letting you sleep on the floor either.”

By this point, Evan`s face matched the color of a bright tomato and he ran out of objections.

“Evan, please.” Sleep tucked on Connor`s nerves like one of these annoying insects in summer. He really wanted to just fall into bed. “This is fine for me, really. Please take the bed, I have some extra sheets in my closet, it`s alright.”

For some hours, things really were alright.

By the time they had settled down under their covers and both took their meds with some water, it was pitch black outside of the building. It still continued to snow and the white flakes created a calm scenery outside, along with the yellowish streetlights and the dark night sky.

Connor was on his phone for a while, the only source of light in the room, and sometimes sneaked a light at Evan who turned around restless for some time, but fell asleep just past midnight. Connor followed shortly after.

And was woken up by the quiet noises Evan made in his sleep.

He turned on Nathan`s lamp and blinked against the sudden source of light to discover that Evan was sweating and frowning, legs tangled up in Connor`s thick blankets. He groaned like he was in pain and his hands opened and closed again like he was reaching out for something.

He was having a nightmare.

Connor didn’t think before jumping up and kneeling beside the pillow where Evan tossed his head around. He thought about all the things that usually helped when Evan had a nightmare and trusted his own voice enough to do the first thing he came across with.

“Evan.” He whispered and gently place a hand against his forehead, before brushing down his temple and combing through his hair, so softly there was no way Evan would wake up from it.

“It`s okay.” Connor knew the words by heart, like a manifesto engraved into his skin, an everlasting tattoo. “You`re safe. You`re not alone. I´m here. It´s okay.”

He didn’t want to draw Evan back out of sleep now, he wanted to lur him in again without dark shadows following him.

Evan let out a grunt and his body relaxed slowly, like the fight left him and Connor mumbled on, speaking to him with soft promises and touching his hair, until he seemed to fall back into a peaceful sleep.

Connor sat beside him for the longest time.

They didn’t talk about it in the morning.

* * *

The days went on like this.

Tuesday felt like a blur and then Christmas came around and was gone again in the blink of an eye.

In the morning, Connor woke up from the sun rising through the curtains and illuminating his room, and then he watched Evan, breathing slowly, face relaxed and so, so young while he dreamt peacefully, until Evan eventually woke up too and he had to quickly grab a book so he could pretend he didn’t just watch his best friend sleep for two or more hours.

Over the day, they brought their laundry down into the basement where the washing machines were situated and then they would take a small walk across campus until they both had enough from the cold and they retreated to Connor`s dorm.

Evan watched some documentaries about the Amazonian rain forest and Connor curled up with a book and let the hours fly by until it was time to order takeout. Sometimes, they`d settled on something other than Chinese, maybe pizza or chicken wings, but most of time they ordered at the same place until the lady on the other line knew their names and didn’t ask for their address anymore.

It felt weirdly domestic, eating ramen in silence next to each other on the carpet and taking the trash out later, and it reminded Connor of home and his Evan and how he always stole spring rolls from Connor when he thought he wasn’t looking. He _always_ noticed, but never brought it up.

He liked Evan stealing spring rolls from him, to be honest. But it wasn’t like this.

Of course not, this Evan still went through a horrible break up and definitely didn’t share his food.

It was Wednesday, when it was sunny enough to go to town for a while and they ended up in a small bookshop. They had spent hours just browsing through the shelves and sat in their attached bistro afterwards, Connor now eight books richer and Evan turning pages on the book about rare poisonous plants he had found in the back of the store.

They didn’t talk about Jasper, but they did talk about everything else.

Connor listened to Evan being enthusiastic about his Environmental Science major and his thoughts and plans to stop the icebergs from melting and how America needed to renew the Green Deal to stop the world from dying. He listened to Evan talking about all the places he wanted to travel and his favorite types of flowers, which was just so fucking adorable, holy shit.

Connor realized that this was the longest time that he spent in another life so far, it was almost five whole days now. He didn’t know how that made him feel.

Evan looked healthier on Friday than he did at the start of the week.

In the evening, Connor asked Evan if he had taken his meds and Evan halted in his movements and looked at him like he saw a ghost.

“Jasper once said to me that I should stop taking them, because it`s the only way to prove that I´m really getting better.”

Fucking hell. Anyone with a decent brain knew that this was _not_ how the whole mental health thing worked, but Connor already knew Jasper was a fucking ass. It didn’t lessen the anger boiling inside him though and he only managed a thin-lipped smile before he swallowed his own medication.

On Saturday, Connor cursed himself for triggering the memory of Jasper for Evan, because he seemed to close in on himself again and spent sometimes entire hours not talking and just brooding on his thoughts.

In the evening, a silly rom-con was playing on Connor`s laptop, situated on Nathan`s bed and they just finished eating their pho noodles. There were already two empty wine bottles on the floor and it was getting harder to concentrate.

Connor had seen the movie a hundred times, mostly when he was alone with Zoe and his mom and Larry was on a business trip and the women in the house outnumbered him. But that was fine, he had more time to check up on Evan that way.

Evan cleared his throat and placed his empty plate on Connor`s side, before he fell back into the pillows situated against the wall. “You know how I really knew it was over?”

Connor didn’t trust his voice, but gestured Evan to go on.

“He said I am a lost cause.”

Connor made no effort to hold the dangerous growl back that left him right after Evan said that.

“He…sure, we weren’t always on the same page, but couples fight all the time, right? That’s only normal. But lately I was always the one who caused the arguments. I- you know that I´m still struggling to adjust to college life sometimes and I get stressed out very easily and still see my therapist, but Jasper made me feel like this was all nothing. Like I wasn’t fighting enough to get better.”

Evan threw his hands in die air and exhaled audibly, getting worked up and tipsy by the wine. “He made me feel like I wasn’t trying hard enough for _him_ , you know? Like he was doomed to sit my phases out and stick around, because it would be fucked up to just leave someone who has a panic attack, but one time he left anyways? And the sex? It wasn’t even _good_ , you wouldn’t believe-“

“Fuck, Evan.” Connor sighed sympathetically. “You don’t deserve any of that.”

Evan stopped his rant and cocked a questioning eyebrow at him. “You mean bad sex?”

Connor snorted but shook his head. “Well, yes, but I mean…I just think, you don’t deserve all the shit he gave you. You deserve someone who stands in your corner and doesn’t work against you. Someone who loves _you_ and _all_ parts of you.” Connor spoke softly into the darkness of the dorm and hoped Evan wouldn’t notice how rough his voice got. “When you truly love someone, you don’t pick out the parts that you think you can handle, it doesn’t work like that. People aren’t made to be perfect or to stay whole for their entire life. We`re meant to break, because we`re also meant to pick up our pieces again and create something beautiful out of them. It`s him who`s the problem, if he can´t see you. All of you. Just because you`re still picking up your pieces, it doesn’t mean you don’t deserve all the happiness in the world.”

When Connor finished, Evan was already staring at him in awe, eyes a dark and glazed over.

Connor opted to open his mouth once more, but quickly closed it again, completely helpless under Evan`s gaze.

He could’ve pinpointed the exact second Evan threw all restraints over board.

Evan surged forward, grabbed him by his hoodie strings and pressed his lips to Connor`s.

It was a full-on collision of lips and tongue and teeth and Connor`s brain flatlined, he tasted red wine on Evan`s tongue and felt Evan gasp into his mouth as Connor gladly granted him more access.

All he could feel right now screamed Evan. The tight fists in his worn-out hoodie clenched and Evan touched Connor`s jaw and a spark fired up between him. Evan bit down on his bottom lip and Connor suddenly remembered what the hell he was doing.

They violently broke apart, both gasping for air and filling their screaming lungs again. Connor felt Evan`s hot breath on his lips, they were still impossibly close, too close for Connor to think straight, breathing in each other`s air and staring at the other with wide, confused eyes.

Fuck, he had missed this so fucking much.

And he shouldn’t be doing this. They were drunk and fuck, he was still in the wrong life, this wasn’t the Evan who was destined to be his.

But Connor couldn’t stop his shaking fingers as they moved up to place a hand on Evan`s cheek, thumb brushing against the bone there in wonder. Evan sucked in a sharp breath and it sounded way to lovely for such a simply sound. His cheeks were flaming hot, both from the alcohol and the kiss.

Fuck, Evan was lovely. And Connor had never been someone who didn’t put his thoughts into action immediately.

Evan sighed quietly against his lips and Connor felt something inside of him snap.

He reconnected their lips without any hesitation and moved to grab Evan by his hips, lifting him up and into his lap until their sweatpants pressed together and Evan`s knees were situated on each side of Connor`s hips.

Fuck, it was good.

They touched in all the right places and as Connor shifted to pull Evan even closer against his chest, Evan bucked his hips forward and they both let out a moan against each other`s lips. It didn’t matter if someone in the hallway heard them. They were the only people in the world right now.

Evan broke the kiss, but only to attach his lips firmly against Connor`s neck, biting down and humming while he listened to Connor hissing and gasping. He was only able to hold onto Evan tightly, limbs completely turned into mush. His fingers buried themselves into the soft hair above Evan`s neck and he moved back on him just right, each move luring another beautiful noise from the back of Evan`s throat.

It was heaven.

But it only lasted until hot tears touched Connor`s neck as Evan sucked on it, trying his best to mark him all over with purple signs of _Mine_ and Connor came back to his senses. Feeling the evidence of Evan`s broken heart was a total red flag for him and robbed him of all other kinds of thoughts.

“Evan.” Connor gasped and clawed at Evan`s back desperately as he bit down on the sensitive spot on Connor`s neck. A calloused hand had moved under his shirt and trailed over the hot skin of Connor`s stomach until it reached the waistband of his boxers. Connor grabbed his wrist firmly.

“Evan, stop.” He said more urgently and Evan did immediately.

He leaned back enough in Connor`s lap so he could make out the tear marks on his face, and his glistening wet eyes stared back at Connor in shock over what he just did.

Connor`s heart was close to burst.

Evan didn’t want this, not really.

And neither did he. Of course, he wanted Evan, he wanted him so badly he could barely breathe, but not like this. Not when Evan was clearly in pain and hurting.

“You`re not okay.” Connor rasped out and resisted the urge to just hug the sadness out of him instead, but he needed to stay reasonable now. If he was losing control now, they both were doomed. “I don’t want you to regret this in the morning.”

Evan blinked at him and then climbed down from his lap in ashamed silence. Connor wanted to scream.

After a long time where neither of them was brave enough to say something, Evan spoke first.

“I´m sorry.” Evan sniffled, but quickly pulled himself together. “I had no right to kiss you and I didn’t have your consent beforehand and I´m deeply sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I should probably go now.”

Connor never hated himself more for the words that left his tongue with any hint of emotion. “It`s okay. It was…the heat of the moment, I guess. And we both drank a lot, so.” He let out a nervous laugh, but cut himself off before a sob could leave him as well. How was he trying to make Evan feel better with this, he wondered, angry at himself for not finding the right words that would make it all okay again. “We can just forget it and don’t have mention it anymore.”

If this was supposed to be the easiest way, Connor never wanted to go easy anymore.

He wanted nothing more than to just confess that he was madly in love with Evan, that he was pretty sure he would be in love with Evan in all the different lives that existed out there, but this wasn’t the right moment for a love confession.

He was only here to watch over Evan, who got his heart broken and was in no state to drunkenly make out with his best friend as a coping mechanism.

“What if I don’t want to forget about it?” Evan mumbled under his breath and stared out of the window and Connor only now noticed _how_ drunk they were and that the room was slightly spinning around him, clouding up his thoughts.

“Then we still have time to talk about it when we´re both able to make sober, reasonable decisions.” God, he sounded boring. If they weren’t so drunk and fucking Jasper didn’t exist, he would’ve pinned Evan down to the mattress by now, kissing him breathless until he couldn’t remember his name anymore.

“The thing is…”

Evan got a bit distracted for a second and watched the snowflakes melt on the window frame.

“I know you make me happy, Connor.” He whispered. “And we don’t have to talk about this, but I want to thank you for taking care of me this week. I`m an absolute mess and you`re my best friend around here, so I really appreciate all you’ve done for me.”

Unspoken words lingered between them.

“You don’t have to thank me for being a decent friend, I-“

“Will you stay with me?”

_For all lifetimes._

“As long as you want me to.”

Connor closed his eyes and disappeared into the abyss.


	5. life´s a bouquet of flowers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "When did we start to become strangers?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We´re halfway through!  
> I wanted to thank everyone who left comments and kudos so far, you make my day better every time! <3  
> Also, the next chapter will be a turning point in this story, so I´m extra excited to share it with you on Sunday :))

Connor opened his eyes and was met with a highway.

And he was racing down it with eighty miles per hours.

Cars flashed beside him and a truck was honking and he was _way_ too fast, even for a state highway, sitting in an old ragged car without air-conditioning.

The change came so sudden, one moment together with Evan in a quiet dorm and now he was here and he needed to breathe, but he also needed to drive the car safely. Connor never had a panic attack behind the wheel, but this came pretty close to it and he didn’t want to experience any more of this.

He checked the next sign for a gas station and set the indicator.

None of it felt real as he searched for a free parking spot and when he turned the engine down, he had to take a moment to rest his head on the wheel, focusing on his steady heartbeat and the fact that he didn’t crash and he was still alive, but yet in another life and not his own.

He went on with the usual procedure.

Connor unlocked his phone and saw many unread messages blinking up, almost overshadowing the date. And…it was too crazy to be true and once proved that something supernatural was definitely happening to him, because it was not only the season that had changed, now it was hot summer outside, but also…

It was 2030. And his lock screen showed a sky with balloons, something so boring and bland that it could only be one of the standard wallpapers the phone set automatically in the beginning.

And he once again was in the wrong year, way too fucking wrong.

He gripped the rearview mirror way too tightly and stared at himself. He looked…grown, even more than he did in college, but he was shaved and his hair was back in a neat bun and his ears kinda stood out.

Well, he looked like a fucking adult and he was kind of weirded out by that.

He opened a group chat, where the many messages came from, and scrolled mindlessly through the texts.

_Zoe **: Alright, guys! The big weekend is here and I´m so excited to see all of you! Make sure to mention you`re a guest when you check, because my parents reserved parking spots for everyone outside. Also bring sunglasses, it`s very sunny already and it`ll look cool in the photos! See you later, Zo xx**_

_Unknown number **: thanks for the tips, let`s get drunk later**_

_Alana Beck **: I`m so excited to join you! I can`t wait to see you later.**_

_Unknown number **: Can´t wait to see you in your dress babyy, you`ll look hot as hell**_

_Unknown number **: Hey, can you send me the address again?? we might be late…**_

There were about fifty other texts of similar content and he didn’t have to wait to connect the dots, because the group chat with maybe two hundred numbers was labeled: **_The wedding <3_**

 _Good for Zoe_ , was the first thing that came to his mind. But considering the fact that his mind was still weakly clinging to the life where he and Evan were hiding in his college dorm and his lips were still tingling from the messy kiss, they`d shared, he decided on having a coffee first to get his thoughts back in order.

He locked the car, saw a black smoking hanging in the backseat, and went to the gas station.

The whole thing didn’t take too long, it was only morning and the wedding was staged to happen at eleven, so Connor was fine. He made his way back to the unfamiliar car, coffee in hand, when someone suddenly called out for him.

“Well, well, well!”

Connor flinched as the loud voice echoed over the half empty parking lot. He didn’t have the nerve to deal with some drunk ass trucker guy right now.

“If it isn’t Connor Lawrence Murphy!”

Connor must`ve looked very startled and very distraught, because Jared Kleinman held his stomach and full-on laughed at him, before pulling him into a bear hug.

“My god, I consider myself very lucky to see you here, because you`re like a rare pokemon, dude. No one`s seeing you around back home anymore!” Jared looked at him properly with a big grin. Was it even legal to be this loud and giving very-drunk-uncle-energy this early in the morning already? Connor wasn’t too sure of it. “We haven’t seen each other in what? Five years? Seven? You`re crazy, man! What have you been up to, man?”

“Um…” Connor opened and closed his mouth again. What was he supposed to say? _Man, I just keep coming and going, dude_. Maybe not.

“Yeah, right. Forgot you`re not a morning person, but who am I to judge?” Jared looked around the parking lot and Connor stood awkwardly around with his coffee. During the hug most of it landed on the ground, but he didn’t mention it. “You`re back home for the wedding, aren’t you? I just came back from vacation for this, so it better be good.”

“I mean, it`s Zoe.” Connor loosened up a bit. He already met one friend while being in this life for 5 minutes, so it might as well could go well. “She got this.”

“Oh, for sure.” Jared nodded and smiled pleased. “Zoe and Evan were always these kids who fully got control over everything, right? I wouldn’t be surprised if they end up filming it as well, so they can bathe in their own perfection for the rest of their married lives.”

Jared could’ve might as well emptied an ice bucket for his head, the effect was the same.

Connor froze like a deer in headlights and stared at him. “C-Come again?”

Jared rowed back and raised his arms in defense. “You`re right, they`re not that obsessed with themselves, I´m sorry. Don’t tell your sister what I said, I don’t want to sit next to the bathroom stalls, okay?”

* * *

Jared proposed the idea that they could drive to the hotel where the wedding was meant to take place together, and Connor was relieved that he now had the task to follow Jared`s red car on the highway. He might’ve crashed without the concentration he needed, because his thoughts were one, big spinning carousel.

It shouldn’t have been such a huge surprise, he saw other lives where the sexuality of people varied, he had Zoe and Alana as proof for that, and he knew Evan was bi, but this was _Evan_.

Evan, the love of his life, marrying his little sister.

His mind was overloaded with imaginary pictures he didn’t want to see, and he shook his head to get rid of them. He was past the point of crying over the hopelessness of his whole situation, but now he was just blankly staring ahead, only distracted by the alarm on his phone that reminded him of taking his medication.

After some hours, he even tried to pinch himself, really hard, and it was a stupid attempt and didn’t work, but he was down for any solution at this point.

Evan and Zoe. Fucking hell.

The fact that his Zoe wouldn’t be fond of that either made him feel a tiny bit better, when he and Jared arrived at the location and checked in. Connor made a quick beeline to the bathroom and changed into his suit, readjusting the bun in his neck and took a deep breath, like he was preparing to dive underwater.

An employee of the hotel led them through the entrance hall, through a smaller hallway and then they were outside on a beautiful lawn, fenced in by some giant willows.

White lanterns grazed the aisle, bathing the venue in warm light and everywhere were daisies, woven into the back of the long benches that built twelve rows to both sides of the field.

Most of the guests were already seated and as they made their way down, Connor recognized some distant relatives and people from high school, but he quickly decided against greeting them now, because they stared at him with obvious confusion on their faces, some even…outraged that he was here? It didn’t feel too nice.

Sure, Jared had mentioned that he had left their hometown pretty early and the texts or rather the lack of texts hinted that he didn’t really stay in touch with his family after that, but... What had he done to piss off everyone so much?

“Oh, Connor.” He was pulled into a firm hug and relaxed a bit as he spotted the red hair of his mom, who kissed his cheeks and looked at him with shimmering eyes. She was dressed in a yellow suit and looked more than happy to see him. At least one person wanted him here. “It`s so good to see you, sweetie!”

“Hey, mom.” He smiled and squeezed her hand, the tension of the moment left him slowly and he watched as Jared sat down on a bench next to Alana, who looked very grown-up, with a big sun hat, waving at him in greeting.

“Let`s talk later, okay? I think we`re starting pretty soon.” His mom excused herself and walked to the front of the aisle, where a pavilion stood, enlightened by dozens of fairy lights. He nodded at his father, who moved past him in a hurry to get to the back on the lawn to prepare for Zoe`s entrance and he was left to sit between his friends.

He just sat there and overheard quiet conversations how perfect Evan and Zoe were for each other and how it was so obvious for them to end up together since they’ve been high school sweethearts and survived their agonizing long-distance time where both of them went to different colleges. They were both successful, Zoe was about to slip into their dad`s footsteps to overtake the company and Evan was leading an organization, employing hundreds of social workers who helped out in establishments who offered extra tutoring for young kids for free.

They were perfect, the dream of every mother- and father-in-law.

He spotted Heidi in the front row, wiping her eyes already and smiling at Cynthia who sat next to her. Both women looked really young in the moment.

And then he saw Evan.

He was standing under the pavilion and quietly chatted with one of his groomsmen, nervously fidgeting with the edge of his dark-blue wedding suit and smiling into the distance. He looked unbothered by his surroundings, cracking a joke with his friends and checking in on the pastor from time to time.

Connor thought that maybe this could be his future too. They were only seventeen and they weren’t done with high school yet, back in his life, but he knew that all the things he wanted to do, move out, settle down, marry someday, have kids or a dog, he wanted to do them with Evan.

Maybe, someday and in his own life, he would be the one to meet Evan at the end of the aisle.

A gentle melody played from some hidden speakers and he drawn out of his own thoughts, shifting in his seat like everyone else and looking back to the entrance where Zoe and Larry appeared arm in arm.

Zoe looked stunning. She wore a simple white dress, floating in it like a fairy and there were daisies woven into her straightened hair that made her look like a young girl again. She smiled big at all the guests and when they passed Connor on his bench, her eyes widened at the sight at him, but she quickly recovered and shot him a grin that said more than words ever could.

Larry kissed his daughter on the forehead and sat down, so Evan could look at his bride properly for the first time. Both of them let out a happy laugh like they were glad they’ve already made it so far, and the crowd of guests chuckled with them.

The ceremony was beautiful, really.

The pastor spoke both in English and Hebrew, and Connor was told by Jared that they already had a Jewish ceremony yesterday, and they both read out some very touching vows.

Many guests sniffled as they witnessed the union of the lovely couple, and despite himself Connor shed one or two tears as well. It hurt, pretty bad, but Connor told himself over and over again that he was only here to make sure Evan was happy, it had to be like that, and it was okay for a while.

The wedding spectators erupted in cheers and applause when everything was said and done and Evan enveloped Zoe in a loving kiss. Connor stared off to the willows. Maybe this was the easiest life he had seen so far, at least he could be really sure that Evan would be in good hands. He trusted his sister more than anyone else.

After the newlywed couple ran down the aisle and everyone threw confetti and flowers in the air, he let himself be led by the stream of wedding guests who excitedly talked over each other.

Inside the rented hall, a giant buffet of cakes and coffee waited for them.

All the cakes looked amazing, and they were last least ten of them, high three tier wedding cakes in different flavors. They looked hella expensive and Connor wondered how much his parents had sponsored for the wedding. There also was a smaller one that kind of drowned into the sea of other cakes and he recognized the pastry as one of his mum’s creations. No one dared to try a bite, but Connor loaded a piece on his plate, just for the good measure. It turned out to be really disgusting, but at least his mom would be happy.

Connor spotted Zoe, who still greeted and thanked guests for coming and made his way over to her and Evan. Evan, her husband. Connor didn’t think about it, but the rings on their fingers made it impossible to ignore.

“Congratulations you two.” Connor greeted them shyly and was immediately enveloped in a bone-crushing hug by Zoe who didn’t seem like she ever wanted to let him go and said with a watery smile: “I wasn’t sure if you could make it.”

_Yeah, me neither._

“Well, I wouldn’t miss my little sister`s wedding for the world.” He grinned down at her and Zoe`s bottom lip wobbled dangerously before she turned away to wipe some stray tears from her face.

How long had this Connor been gone? What gruesome experiences did it take for him to cut all the ties with his family?

There had been a time where Connor didn’t want anything else than just leaving all of it behind, when he was still fighting on a daily basis with his parents and Zoe and him only screamed when they were talking, but the thought that he didn’t have contact with them besides showing up for the occasional wedding, was making him sad.

He looked at Evan, who barely smiled at him and reached out his hand to firmly shake his, maybe a notch too hard. “Connor. Good to see you.”

Oh, so Evan _hated_ him.

His stomach clenched uncomfortable as he searched for his assigned table and the wheels in his head turned and twisted.

It made sense in a way, Evan had always been protective of the people the loved the most and he always kept a careful eye on whether something had a good or bad impact on his friends. It only seemed right, that he mistrusted Connor, after he obviously left his family and broke their hearts. Apparently.

He found his table quickly, since Jared was already waving him over where he sat next to Alana and her brother who she brought with her as her plus one. He was seated next to one of Evan`s close co-workers from the company, a brightly smiling guy named Miguel that he liked immediately. They chatted for a little while about his work and placed their orders for dinner later.

A beautiful song on the piano was playing when Zoe and Evan did their first dance as a married couple, something composed out of happy childhood memories and butterflies. They held on tight to each other and their expressions were so love-struck, Connor had no choice but to be happy for both of them.

The cooks of this place truly outdid themselves, because dinner was delicious.

Connor didn’t really engage in the conversations at his table, because he was really focused on the lobster in front of him, but he did enjoy listening to Alana and her plans to apply for a spot in the Senate or Miguel who was enthusiastic about the program with students abroad that he and Evan were developing.

“What have you been up to all these years, Connor?” Alana asked him and he took a lot of time to chew, until he went with the safest option.

“I had to figure some things out for myself.” It sounded like a question. He was kind of bad at this.

“Your family must be very happy to see you again, considering the fact that you moved out right after the big fight you had.” She pointed out and it wasn’t meant to sound angry, just…genuinely confused.

“Way to kill the mood, Beck.” Jared shook his head and laughed nervously.

“No, she`s right.” Connor insisted and for a moment, it occurred to him that he had no idea what the hell he was doing here. Connor caught Evan`s piercing gaze from across the room and thought that Evan must also think that right now. What was he trying to do? For once, he hated going with his instincts. “I…things have been bad. And I needed space from home, but I still- I love my family and I want to be here for Zoe today.”

“But you and Evan used to be friends too.” Alana reminded him and picked up like glass like they were having a conversation about the weather or something. “You, Zoe and Evan used to be _that_ trio at school and after they went off to college, you distanced yourself from each other. It`s really sad.”

_You know what else is sad, Alana? Watching your boyfriend, who is happy with you in your own life, marrying your sister in another fucked up life that doesn’t belong to you._

Connor was saved by an empty champagne glass clinking across the room and all conversations came to a stop as one of Zoe`s bridesmaids and Evan`s best man stood up and started the first wedding speech.

Sincere and endearing words were spoken, some having the successful effect of making the whole room explode in laughter and others touching everybody´s hearts and making them sniffle with emotion. There were funny stories too, and through them Connor was able to understand the bigger picture of this life. He listened interested as Zoe`s bridesmaid talked about the first few months of their relationship, how Evan was always too shy to approach Zoe even though he was the older one. Evan`s best man told a funny story about that one time they got really drunk during their first days in college and Evan had called Zoe at three a.m. to tell her how much he loved her and _don’t you dare to float away, Zoe, I can`t fly yet!_

It was cute…and very heterosexual, but Connor kept that thought to himself.

Larry did a speech too, and it was horrible, especially when he came to the point where he compared a good marriage to a successful business. How often could he cringe in one night? Connor thought he was about to find out soon.

After the last speaker came to an end, some of Evan`s groomsmen announced it was time to play some wedding games and Connor almost opted to just drown himself in the toilet.

Jesus, his Evan would’ve _hated_ this.

But Evan seemed to be pretty excited as he was led to sit next to Zoe on a chair at the edge of the dance floor, watching patiently while their friends moved around to prepare some necessary things.

Connor couldn’t watch that, stuff like this gave him secondhand embarrassment, so he excused himself from the table and searched for the bathrooms of the location. On his way, he was met with his dad, who stood around with a beer in his hand, appearing just as uncomfortable as Connor was.

“Don’t want to play some old, traditional wedding games, Connor?” Larry asked and granted him a smile without teeth. He looked around the venue with a sense of pride. Another Murphy event successfully managed.

“No thank, I rather help the kitchen staff or something.” Connor replied dryly, but Larry laughed at that, like it was the most ridiculous thing in the world; to help the hard-working staff that made all of this possible.

Connor was thankful that things with Larry weren’t too complicated back in his life, but now he wasn’t sure if he was dismissed to leave or he should stick around by his father`s side for longer.

Larry made no move to keep the conversation going, silently and a little spooked by the events on the dancefloor, where Evan and Zoe had to compete in a very intense match of Guess the Song.

“It`s good to see you, son.” Larry said after some time while the winner of the endless rounds of games was declared and everyone cheered.

Connor swallowed thickly. “It´s good to see you too, dad.”

* * *

After he emerged from the bathroom again, Connor felt a pair of curious eyes on him and looked to the side where a colleague of Zoe stood not too far away and watched him with unhidden interest. He had noticed the sneaking glances the man had given him during the ceremony and apparently, he was here without a date as well.

Connor tried to ignore him and luckily, just as the man began to make his way over to Connor, he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder and turned around to see his mom smiling fondly at him. He tried to copy her as best as possible and complimented her and the stunning location.

The small talk was awkward, but Cynthia didn’t let the conversation go past _How have you been_ and _Are you staying until breakfast?_

“I don’t know yet.” It was the closest to the truth he could manage. The bright smile of his mom cracked a little bit, but she was just like Connor, in a way. They both were masters in hiding their true feelings if they really wanted to, and she quickly looked away from him, eyes gazing over the dancing couples on the dance floor and then smiled once more like nothing ever bothered her.

“Mind dancing with your old mom for a while?” Cynthia joked and bumped her elbow playfully into his side, making him laugh.

Their hands laced together as Connor led his mom through the crowd and let one of them go, so Cynthia could place it on his shoulder. A quiet song, something acoustic and close to a lullaby, played and Connor took the lead and noticed that Larry danced with Zoe as well, quietly laughing with her and looking at his daughter with deep affection.

“I´m really happy you came, Connor.” His mother said and gently cupped his cheek, just like she did all the times when Connor was still a little boy, and something about it, about the whole situation, made Connor almost tear up and throw himself at his mom. All he wanted was to break down on her shoulder, tell her about the different lives and that he was glad to be here too, but this wasn’t his life and he really needed to find his way back.

“Zoe was really happy too, you know.” Cynthia continued and either she didn’t see the tears glistening in his eyes or she didn’t want to comment on them. “I know we all…had our problems in the past and we should’ve done much more for you, so you didn’t feel the need to leave, but maybe- Maybe this day can be a fresh start to us? I saw you talking to your dad earlier and…Please stay for the week, Connor. We would be happy to have you here.”

He wasn’t sure about that. He still noticed the irritated stares from some of the guests, but this was his mom, that he loved, so he replied gratefully: “Yes. I…I would really like that, mum.”

She pushed a loose strand of hair behind his ear and patted his cheek.

So that was settled and he was sure his mom was going to hold him to that. Another common ground. Connor and Cynthia were the most stubborn people when it came to agreements. But maybe he also got that from his dad.

After that and multiple awkward wedding traditions and games and spontaneous outbreaks from relatives who needed to tell That One Story from the newlywed couple`s childhood later, Zoe finally announced that it was now time to throw the wedding bouquet.

All of her girlfriends, plus the little flower children who were just as excited as the grown folks, moved to the middle of the room, where Evan helped Zoe to climb up on a chair.

Connor grinned at his mom who shrugged his shoulders at him like she couldn’t help it and positioned herself as well. Larry laughed and shouted something about renewing marriages and Alana shyly stood at the edge of the giggling group, like she didn’t fully believe in the tradition, but didn’t want to be the spoilsport.

And then, to the surprise of everyone, Jared Kleinman pranced across the room as well, and was close to just elbowing his way into the middle of all the girls, shouting over the booing from Evan and his friends: “Oh, come on! I`m single too and deserve a wealthy marriage in the near future before I turn thirty!”

“Come on, guys, he can`t catch anyways, might as well let him try!” Zoe snickered and turned around, winking at Evan who stood to her feet and made sure she didn’t fall in the process.

“Okay!” Zoe called out and the girls quietened, focus entirely on the flowers in her right hand. “One. Two. _Three_!”

Connor`s eyes followed the flowers as they flew through the air and landed…

Right into Jared`s outstretched hand.

“Jesus Christ.” Connor muttered and Jared full-on screeched before breaking out into the celebratory dance, flipping off Evan who groaned at him. Everyone, except the disappointed bridesmaids, laughed and Connor saw Zoe jumping into Evan`s arms, both of them lost in each other for a moment and then kissing like the venue was completely empty.

“Come on, Murphy!” Jared reached him and slung an arm around his shoulder. He barely felt it and teared his eyes away from the couple. “We need to clink glasses to my newly enhanced chances of getting laid.”

Connor let Jared take him to the bar.

And didn’t even notice that his first shot glasses were gone in seconds.

It was a bad idea, letting himself go like that, but he couldn’t stop thinking about Evan and his sister, looking at each other with heart eyes, holding hands under the table, kissing each other at their wedding.

It didn’t take much to get him drunk at his point.

A bit later, Connor watched with a small tipsy smile on his face as Zoe and her friends made a big circle of the dance floor and danced along to Cindy Lauper and decided to head out for a bit.

His parents were currently engaged in a conversation with their own friends and he slipped past them, through some broad swing doors.

The lawn where the ceremony took place was empty now, but all the rows of chairs and the small pavilion with the altar were still in place. Without people to bring the place to life, it looked a bit spooky.

“I doubted you would come.” A shadow emerged from the shadows of the now empty venue; one hand casually hidden in the pockets of his elegant dress pants. Evan Hansen, freshly married and holding a wine glass in his hand, smiled thinly at him.

“Why wouldn’t I?” Connor challenged, surprised by his own harsh tone. “It`s my sister`s wedding.”

It felt strange and all kinds of wrong, because clearly in this life they weren’t friends. Not even close to it. Connor sensed it from the sheer way Evan looked at him, like he still had to decide rather Connor was safe to talk to or a complete maniac. His stare hurt, but Connor couldn’t jump over his own shadow. Out of the sudden, he felt the urge to start a fight. At his little sister`s wedding.

God, he drank way too much. He was a horrible brother. His head pounded.

“No one really saw you for many years.” Evan pointed out and set his glass aside like they were still just chatting. The tension between the two man was far too high for that. “People were worried about you.” It sounded like an accusation.

“Are you happy?” Connor suddenly blurted out and his face, which was already red, turned even redder, because that was his task, right? He disappointed Evan in his own life and was now responsible that Evan was happy in all the others. Even though he was being an absolute dick right now, he had to make sure. Fuck, he was drunk as shit.

That caught Evan off-guard. “What? Yes, of course, I´m happy, why are you asking me this all of the sudden?”

Connor closed his eyes and swayed a bit on his feet, trying not to acknowledge the alcohol pounding through his veins and pulling him down. “Because I have to make sure Zoe doesn’t spend her entire life with an unhappy person.”

Evan snorted spiteful at him and shot back with venom in his voice: “Oh yeah, sure. Like you would care so much about her at any other time. Do you know that your mother had to persuade her to even send you an invitation? She was so convinced that you wouldn’t come anyway, she didn’t plan you in until we made some last-minute preparations. Your seat would’ve been empty today, because you decided all those years ago that you rather like to brood on your problems like a child than being here for your own family!”

Connor had never seen Evan so angry before.

“So, you don’t get to come here and judge whether I´m happy or not, Connor.” Evan finished and let out quick angry puffs of air like he just ran a marathon.

Connor´s eye twitched.

_Fuck this._

He didn’t deserve this shit.

He definitely didn’t deserve being stuck in another life where Evan basically hated him and his family only wanted him around out of pity for him. He wasn’t a charity case and he didn’t suffer through his whole reception just to be yelled at.

“Fuck you, Evan.” Connor spat out, completely running out of words and began to storm off.

“When I think about it, I just keep coming back to the same question, over and over again.” Evan called out again and Connor stopped in the middle of the aisle, frozen on the spot. He was so close to the big doors that led inside again and he heard the distant loud voices that sang along and cheered when another disco song came on.

“When did we start to become strangers?” He asked wounded and Connor slowly turned back on his feet, staring at him in shock. “We were friends once, too.”

This was the new rock bottom.

_We`re not strangers. Somewhere else, we`re so stupidly in love, it scares me. We`re happy!_

But Evan wouldn’t believe him. Maybe he would kick out Connor, because he finally realized he was crazy.

“I can`t give you an answer to that.” Connor forced himself to sound as sharp as possible, like he wanted to mark Evan with his words. “And even if I could, I wouldn’t. This is my sister`s wedding and it`s your fucking job now to make her happy, so she can remember this as the best day of her life. This isn’t about you and me. So you better get over yourself and go back inside to her.”

They stared each other down, too stubborn to be the first one to look away and Connor`s whole body trembled and he hated this, he absolutely despised this life for ripping them apart as teenagers, but he didn’t know how to fix this either, not in the span of two days and he couldn’t defeat the anger inside of him. He thought that maybe the real Connor, the one that belonged to this life, acted for him.

He watched like a hawk how Evan gripped his glass a little tighter and let out a bitter laugh, shaking his head like Connor was the stupid one here.

“It`s funny. It`s like you always had the urge to grow up faster than everyone else.” He pointed at him, and for a second Connor thought Evan might punch him in the face, but it was over just as fast as it began, and Evan passed him and mumbled: “I wonder what you`re trying to prove to yourself.”

And with that, he was gone and Connor stood alone between the chairs and flowers in the garden.

He didn’t know how much longer he stayed there, out in the chilly summer night, and all the flashing lights inside became a blur as he made his way to the bar again and downed five shots in a row. It went so far that even Jared laid a hesitant hand on his shoulder and ordered him an ice-cold water to cool him down.

Everything around him moved too quickly and the room kept on spinning around his figure, all he wanted was to leave. But he couldn’t. It wasn’t his time yet.

So he was forced to stick around, basically clung to Jared`s figure for the rest of the night and sometimes mumbled about how he needed to get back, but no one understood him. He didn’t know if he understood it himself.

He listened to Jared`s crappy jokes and emptied glasses of liquor and managed to stay out of everybody`s way for most of the time.

It was not until everybody left the dancefloor and followed the happy couple outside, that Connor felt his stomach turning. He stumbled after the others, soldiering on and fading into the hollering crowd of wedding guests.

The loud rumble echoed over the parking lot as Evan brought a classy white old-timer to life and helped Zoe climb into the passenger seat, with the assistance of her laughing bridesmaids who held her dress and made sure it didn’t get dirty. Evan played around with the engine while everyone clapped and then they took off, Zoe holding her arms into the night and waved at them until the car disappeared into the night and guests stopped clapping and made their way inside again.

His knees buckled.

“Connor?” He looked up to Jared`s concerned face. “Are you alright?”

He didn’t get to say no.

This time, he gladly let the abyss take him.


	6. faded love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You wanna head back to my apartment?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All (or maybe half of it) will be revealed!  
> Considering that I love Connor´s character so much, I torture him a bit too much in this fic, huh? But maybe it´s all worth it, let´s see...

_Connor_?

A thick cloud of sleep held him down, but this felt important. A distant voice, calling out for him.

He needed to answer, but his throat closed up and was sore, so he couldn’t and it was dark in his room, dark like huddling together under blankets, dark like a dorm, like a dance floor, like a coffin, a computer lab-

A computer lab?

Where did that thought come from?

He heard imaginary voices now, great.

But it sounded real, like someone who stood behind a window and wanted to break the glass, it sounded like a plea. A question, demanding an answer.

Connor groaned and sat up under silky sheets and blinked a couple of times to get rid of his sleepiness.

Only a blink earlier he had been at the wedding and now he was once again in a bed that wasn’t his, not truly, and he didn’t know what the fuck was going on this time.

He raised a hand to brush the loose hair out of his face and discovered something interesting.

His inner left wrist was grazed with black ink, a small sentence tattooed into his pale skin, right where some old scars still shined whitely.

_I know the world`s a broken bone._

Connor sighed deeply and made his way out of bed.

Went to the bathroom and turned in front of the mirror to search for the rest of the song lyric on this body, the _but melt your headache call it home_ that made it all better and more bearable. But there weren’t any other tattoos besides a small one behind his ear, something close to the root of a tree.

He wondered how he got that one.

His apartment was bland as hell.

If Connor didn’t know any better, he would’ve guessed that it was either an unrented hotel room or some sort of expensive gallery without any visitors.

A small hallway led away from the bedroom he had woken up in, into a broad living room with white walls and a big panorama window. Connor stepped closer and drew back the black curtains, and was met with grey clouds and even greyer skyscrapers. They reached high into the sky, like trees but lifeless and he looked down, dozens of floors into the deep, where taxis and cars and sightseen busses honked their way down the streets, people in the size of ants walking around with umbrellas. It was raining and the trees were brown.

He was in New York.

The city that never fucking sleeps.

A visit had always been one of Connor`s dreams, he´d been there once when they visited a play on Broadway, but it was only for the weekend and they didn’t have time for anything else than the usual trips like Coney Island or Central Park.

Connor could’ve been happy, but right now he just felt very, very lonely.

He turned away from the window.

He saw some painting that looked boring and uninspiring to him and he owned some books, organized in a clean shelf without any traces of dust. His closet was pretty much only filled with suits, the ones his dad had plenty of and wore them like an armor, but they couldn’t possibly fit Connor, right?

In his life, he owned one suit and only wore them like once a year when Larry´s company gathered for an annual Christmas dinner.

He also found some documents and his wallet and phone on a barely used writing desk and learned that he was employed by a small New York based publisher, on which he fondly approved and was kind of proud of. Also, he was twenty-eight, a bit younger than he had been during the wedding.

For a while, he made himself a coffee in the meantime and wandered around a bit more, he considered actually going to work to find out what his daily life looked like here.

But his curiosity for everything else won.

Connor called the publisher and felt a bit guilty, especially when the lady on the other side of the line expressed how sad she was that he couldn’t come because he was sick. She hoped he would feel better soon, though.

Then he found some jeans and a long sleeve shirt he wasn’t embarrassed of and headed out on the street. Took the subway through Manhattan and felt like a very small child who`s discovering the world for the first time.

On his way, Connor bought a shit ton of fries and eventually ended up strolling through The Battery, a smaller park where you could sit by the water and look all the way over to the Statue of Liberty.

It wasn’t too full, because it was October and chilly, but Connor appreciated that and sat down on an empty bench, took his phone out and called his mom.

He waited patiently as it ringed a couple of times, then went straight to the mailbox.

Okay. That was weird, his mother always answered every call, no matter how busy she was.

He tried again, twice, and dialed his dad`s number, both private and office, but no one answered there either.

Something heavy tugged on Connor`s heart, the fries long forgotten next to him, turning cold.

After Zoe didn’t pick up as well, Connor realized that something was not right here.

He began to question everything.

Why was he living alone in New York, in an apartment that barely looked like a home? Why wasn’t his family answering his calls?

His hands shook as he looked through his phone and found…nothing?

There were about five contacts saved, two numbers from his working place alone, and he hadn’t sent a text since forever. No social media, no pictures of friends or family in his camera roll, or any sign that he had human contact outside his office at the publisher.

No funny messages between his sister and him, no contact that was named Evan, no family group chat.

 _This can`t not good_ , Connor thought.

The private chats with his parents were empty, he must`ve deleted them, but there was still one with his sister. He was scared of what he was about to read, but he couldn’t stop himself either.

The last text was sent over one year ago, in summer.

**Are you home again?**

**yes, just got back**

**Right.**

**This is going to be the last time I´m messaging you on here.**

**Do you have any idea how fucking horrible you were to mom and dad?**

**Since you’ve been gone, mom can´t stop crying.**

**not my fault shes trying to rule over my life**

**She´s worried about you, asshole! Like all of us were. What you´re doing is not healthy,**

**you can´t call that a life.**

**But I don’t care anymore. You´re not good for us.**

**Dad doesn’t want you visiting us anymore.**

**And I don’t want that as well.**

**fine**

**i don’t want to see you ever again too**

**Fuck you, Connor.**

**_this number blocked any further messages_ **

****

Above were plenty more of that. Countless fights, fights, fights over years, reaching back when Connor just moved to New York, proof of unresolved arguments and broken pride on both sides.

His lungs screamed and he sucked in a harsh breath.

A stiff wind blew in his face from the waterside, and the tears were freezing cold on his cheek.

He didn’t ever want to imagine a life where him and his family were quarreled, even if they still fought regularly whenever Connor`s mental health was really bad. And now he was stuck in a life where exactly that happened.

He was alone, in one of the biggest cities in the world, and he just became the loneliest person on earth.

* * *

Connor didn’t try to call them again.

He forced some half-warm fries into his stomach and wandered around Manhattan for hours, until his knuckles were dry and red from the cold and he couldn’t stay warm anymore.

This was so much worse than the other lives.

Here, between the concrete and the high buildings, he had no one to make it better. In the past lives, he had at least the company of his favorite people, but now he wasn’t even sure if he had ever been friends with Alana, Jared or…

Evan.

He wondered what Evan was doing right now in this life.

He also wondered if _his_ Evan was sleeping soundly, catching up on sleep to be prepared for the first day of senior year.

Fuck.

He might never find his way back home. And this was on him. If he didn’t think about the pills…

What would happen to his body back at home if his mind was bound to stay here forever?

He needed a drink.

Or something stronger.

Connor saved himself from the cold and landed in a random bar, offside the big main streets and ordered a whiskey, sat down at the bar counter and kept his gaze firmly on his drink.

It was crowded, many people already were here for after-hour and prepared for a long night of drinking and partying.

The whiskey tasted like giving up.

In a way, Connor did.

He couldn’t control any of this, anyway. What else was he supposed to do than sit around and wait for his stomach to turn again. Might as well have a good time in the meanwhile.

He ordered another drink.

And another. And another.

The evening passed by uneventfully and Connor ignored the concerned looks the bartender was shooting his way. It became harder to hold onto his glass, steadily emptying itself. His vision was kind of blurred and he didn’t feel good, which triggered his paranoia, because what if he disappeared in the next seconds? What if it doesn’t stop here? What then?

In the corner of his eyes, someone sat down on the stool next to him, quietly ordering a whiskey as well. He noticed movement; the guy next to him fumbled nervously with the glass of salty crackers between them.

Funny. Connor almost smiled. Evan always did that too.

Wait-

“Long night?”

Connor`s heart stopped.

He looked up from his glass and looked into Evan´s tired face. He had a scruffy beard and wasn’t smiling at him, maybe he was angry? He saw Evan being angry at him before, at his sister´s wedding, but that was long ago. Or just some minutes ago? Was his mind playing tricks on him?

But then, Evan shifted around to get more comfortable on the bar stool and his shoulder sort of brushed against Connor`s and his skin lit up with fire, his blood screaming with a weird note of recognition.

He was here, in New York. In a city of eight million people, Evan had found him.

He quickly looked away and blinked harshly, because he couldn’t cry in front of him, not when this Evan thought of him as a stranger, he needed to keep it together, he…fuck, Evan was here.

“Yeah.” Connor croaked out and damned his stumbling heart.

“I´m sorry about that.” Evan said sincerely and eyed his empty glass. “Maybe you shouldn’t drink so much, walking around New York drunk is not a lot of fun.”

Connor chuckled, but ordered another glass. “Is that so? How would you now?”

“I live here.” Evan stated simply and shrugged. “And I had my sweet time walking around drunk.”

“Sorry, I-“ Connor felt his cheeks heat up. He didn’t know a thing about what this Evan had been up to in this life and there he was, already ruining the conversation with a stupid remark he didn’t think through.

“It`s alright.” Evan even smiled and Connor immediately thought he didn’t deserve it.

He didn’t deserve Evan being nice to him, but he also didn’t deserve this whole thing happening to him, so he was on equal ground again.

“Maybe we should settle for a lemonade now.” Evan suggested and Connor snorted, because this was just _perfect_ , really.

“I don’t even know you, and you don’t know me, but now you want to make decisions for me?”

Evan sighed, frustration boiling just barely underneath his skin. “Okay. My name is Evan. What´s yours?”

“Connor.”

“Good, now that we sorted that out, I`m gonna buy us lemonade.” Evan said firmly, obviously irritated by Connor who still shifted in his seat and by now got more alcohol in his system than he could cope with.

“You hate lemonade.” Connor accused and slurred his words a bit as the room swayed around him. “You always say you hate the way it fizzles and goes up your nose.”

Evan was stunned into silence and looked at him for a very long time. “How can you know that?”

His question was drowned out by the noise at the bar and didn’t reach Connor`s ears.

Evan didn’t ask again, focusing on Connor who pouted a bit more and then surrendered and drank the entire glass of lemonade, with a little paper umbrella on the side. He still was lightheaded, but the headache was stronger.

“You wanna head back to my apartment?”

It was a stupid idea, but the words came out anyway, half desperate, half hopeful. He could’ve saved himself from a lot heartbreak, but Connor was too drunk to be reasonable about this. He tried to hammer the fact in his head that this wasn’t his Evan, but god, Connor`s mind played tricks with him.

He smiled like Evan, always one corner of his mouth raised higher than the other, and he smelled like him as well, Connor noticed it as they put on their cloaks and clumsily made their way out of the bar.

He had no idea why this Evan had agreed to blindly follow him. Connor could’ve been a serial killer or a guy who kept hundreds of creepy dolls in his apartment, but Evan followed anyway, even though he just met him. Maybe Evan was just as reckless as Connor in this life.

They stumbled through the streets of New York like they had all the time in the world, even if it wasn’t true, at least for Connor. They stopped from time to time, to admire the neon lights and signs and everywhere was music and party folks, a hot dog wagon and just a lot of noise. So much noise.

Neither of them was really confident enough in their capability of take the stairs, so they waited for the elevator and suddenly all Connor wanted to do was to press Evan into the wall and kiss him. Taste the alcohol on his tongue until he had to break away to fill his lungs with air again.

He was so fucking lonely.

Maybe he only met Evan here to mend that all-consuming feeling inside of him, threatening to rip him apart.

Connor looked to his side only to see that Evan was already staring at him, eyes glazed over by drunkenness and something else. Connor opened his mouth and wanted to say something, even though his brain was flatlining under Evan`s gaze, but the silence was broken by the loud _Ping_ of the elevator and they moved inside and stood on opposite sides of it.

He had to squat down and almost tripped to find the keyhole to his apartment and when they were both safely inside, Connor only noticed now how embarrassing all the empty bottles and glasses in his flat were. He must have looked like an alcoholic now.

“Sorry, I…” Connor looked around the kitchen helpless. “I had some bad couple of days.”

Evan only shrugged and shed his coat, hanging it carefully on the wardrobe. “Don’t worry about it. Me too.”

Connor wanted to curl in on himself while Evan mindlessly walked around his living room and looked at the paintings and clearly at the lack of personality on this room. What happened to him in all the years to change him from this creative kid into such a snob?

He remembered the words on his wrists, a constant memory.

Maybe he hadn’t been always like this. Maybe it was the world that played him wrong over and over again, until he just…gave up?

Connor poured them two glasses of some wine he found in his half empty cabinet, just as Evan returned into the kitchen and sat down at the kitchen counter in silence.

Evan raised his eyebrows at the wine, and frowned at him. Connor didn’t respond to that; he didn’t plan on touching the glass anyway.

Neither of them knew what to say, so they just stayed silent like that.

He was so, so homesick.

And he always thought that Evan was his home or at least a big part of it, and Evan was right in front of him, he could’ve easily touched his hand, but he felt so far away, like they were a million worlds apart and Connor could never reach him.

He realized that his cheeks were wet from tears and he was also laughing and now Evan had to think of him as a psycho, because who laugh-cries after bringing a possible hook-up from a bar home?

“What´s going on?” Evan asked, concern lacing his voice and Connor sniffled pitifully.

“It´s just…fuck, this is so weird.” He messed up his hair and tried to collect his thoughts. “Nothing I will do here matters. I could rob a bank or I don’t know, walk across Broadway naked and it wouldn’t matter. I`m probably already gone by tomorrow.”

Evan inhaled sharply. “W-what do you mean?”

Fuck, he even sounded so much like his own Evan, it was painful.

“Are you…are you being safe?”

Connor only understood now how ambiguous he had sounded, that he might’ve applied that…

“No, no. Fuck, no. I`m…I won`t. I wouldn’t do that, I´m okay, but I just can`t be sure that I`ll stay around, because this…”

He looked Evan in the eye and furrowed his brows. Nothing he would say now, would stay with him. It didn’t matter if he just would come clear.

“This isn’t my life.” Connor spoke at last. “I don’t belong here, because I can`t remember anything else about it except the hours, since I arrived here. And it doesn’t matter, because soon I will be ripped out of this one as well, and I can`t find my way back to where I belong. And I`m lonely. I never felt so lonely before and none of it matters. You met me today for the first time in your life, but I`ve known you since forever and you`re all I`ve ever wanted. I travel through all these different lives and find you every time, but you never remember. You don’t know me. And no one ever will again if I don’t find my way back home.”

Seconds passed between them.

“Say that again.” Evan demanded breathless.

“What?”

“Please, just- say that again, Connor.”

It didn’t matter, none of it mattered. So, Connor repeated himself.

“I travel through different lives and no one knows.” Connor choked out. “I don’t know why it happens and I can`t find my way back.” He choked on his own words and noticed faintly he was crying again in front of Evan who didn’t know him and never will, because he won`t stay, he was going to disappear again and no one would remember he was ever even here.

And then he felt Evan`s hand on his, a thumb brushing against his knuckles and he could’ve cried from the small touch alone, because his hands were still so oft, and he wasn’t allowed, he wasn’t allowed to stay here with him. He wanted to recoil so badly, but it`s been so long since he touched Evan like this and he couldn’t do anything else than just melt into the touch. He drew in a sharp breath, a hopeless attempt to gather himself, but it came out as a sob.

“I am too.” Evan whispered, like it was a question. Underneath it, he almost sounded hopeful.

“W-what?” Connor braced himself to look into his eyes again and it shook him to the core to discover that Evan was crying too.

A heartbeat long, time seemed to stand still.

“I`m a traveler, too.”

* * *

The apartment was silent, all noises but their heavy breathing drowned out as they stared at each other.

More tears spilled over, and Connor shook his head. He was going insane, this was it, this was the moment before everything would collapse and take away the last spark of hope for Connor. It was cruel, making him believe that he wasn’t alone. It wasn’t fair.

“Don’t say that, I know it isn’t true, please don’t-“ He gasped desperately, but Evan just held on tighter and took his face into his warm hands. “It can´t be you.”

“Connor, I…” Evan swallowed, voice thick from his own tears. “It´s me. You know me, I´m Evan. I`m your boyfriend and only last night, we were together before I went home. I fell asleep and woke up elsewhere.”

This was a test, it had to be like this.

Something was testing him, but he wouldn’t give in so easily.

“Prove it.” Connor said, no, demanded. “What was the last thing you’ve said to me?”

If this was a trick, Evan should’ve answered that he didn’t ever say anything to him before, because he had only met him this evening, at the bar.

Instead, he nodded calmy and reached across the table to grab his hand again. “I said… Make sure to sleep at least eight hours, otherwise you`ll need coffee and I´ll have to drag you to class. I also said I love you.”

He didn’t lie. This was exactly what Evan said. He…had no thoughts, his brain seemed to be empty.

A heartbeat later, Connor whispered: “Y-You know me?”

“Yes.”

“And…this is really you?”

“It´s me.”

He didn’t know at what point Evan had stood up from his seat, all he knew was that his arms were around him now and Evan was holding him close, laid Connor`s head on his chest and Connor just…sobbed.

“I´m sorry, I´m so sorry, Evan.” Connor cried and fisted Evan`s shirt tightly, while relief and shock washed over him in waves. “This is all my fault, it´s all my fault.”

He was convinced of it. Somehow, in the process of spiraling deeper and deeper on the night before school, he had managed to draw Evan into this mess as well. He captured Evan here with him, and Connor was the reason for that.

Evan shushed him quietly, proceeding to cradle them back and forth. “How could this be your fault, you´re not responsible for this, Con. I`m so happy I found you, I thought you would never recognize me again. I thought I was alone, but you´re here.”

He was just as hurt as Connor was. Barely flooding above the surface, trying to hold on.

“Are you alright?” Connor propped himself up from Evan`s chest and looked at his boyfriend.

“Yes, I am now.” Evan smiled and kissed his forehead.

“Let´s just…try to figure it out together, okay?” Evan suggested and Connor nodded with him, wiping his eyes one last time. God, he wanted to tell Evan everything about all the lives he visited, but this had to wait now. They tried to focus on the important stuff first.

“What did you do before you went to sleep last night?” Evan started first, sounding ridiculously calm in spite of the situation. Connor really admired him for that.

“I went to bed and-“ This was the tricky part. “I just thought about some stuff and fell asleep.”

“Okay. I talked with my mom a bit, listened to her annual pep-talk about the new school year and later fell asleep in a matter of seconds.”

“How did you know something was different?” Connor asked now, suddenly curious and not so hysteric about it anymore.

Evan chuckled sadly. “My mom suddenly had a boyfriend and he lived with us? Called me buddy and stupid shit like that, it was horrible. How about you?”

“Zoe and Alana were a couple.”

“Oh my god!”

For a short moment, they both just laughed with each other and it felt like warm sunshine after a rainy day, watching Evan laughing and wrinkle up his nose.

“This is my fifth round.” Connor confessed, in search to find any similarity between them, something that could help them figure it all out.

“Mine too.” Evan replied instantly and they shared a strange look.

“You´ve seen other different realities too?”

“Yes.” Something dark crossed Evan´s eyes.

“How long have you been stuck here?” Connor asked carefully.

“Three weeks and two days.”, came the devastating reply.

“Fuck.”

He only had been here for hours and they had been an endless spiral downwards.

“So, time has to work differently here, right?” Evan speculated. “We´re not laying around in our beds and weeks have passed and everyone`s worried sick about us?”

The thought was terrifying, that everyone at home thought he was…Connor didn’t want to think about it.

“Maybe not. Maybe there, in our real life, only seconds have passed.” Connor groaned and rubbed his temples. “Fuck, this sounds like some stupid sci-fi shit.”

Evan chuckled at that and then his features softened. “But I´m glad. I´m glad that I found you. Some of this was…really hard to endure and when I saw you at the bar, I thought- I´m pretty sure I didn’t think anything, I just went over and stared at you. I can´t believe I found you again.”

“You found me.” Connor reassured him and leaned over. “It´s really me.”

“Yeah.” Evan mumbled and their lips met in a soft kiss, so soft that Connor wanted to cry again, but he was too focused on the feeling on Evan`s lips sliding against his, a hand gently combing through his hair and resting against the back of his neck, pulling him closer.

They both sighed into each other`s mouth and it was perfect, it was like coming home and finding peace, and Connor wished he could hold onto this moment forever.

But.

They both didn’t really think this through, did they?

Something inside of Connor tingled unpleasantly.

Connor broke the kiss first and clasped his stomach where a stabbing sensation spread. He heard Evan gasp and quickly grabbed his hand, steadying both of them so they wouldn’t collapse on the ground.

“Do you feel that?” Connor asked through gritted teeth and watched as sweat pearled on Evan`s forehead.

“It´s happening again, right?” Evan managed to ask and suddenly the ground seemed to shake like the whole building was about to collapse at any moment. There was a loud noise in their heads, blocking out any other sound.

And no, this couldn’t happen again, not after they only found each other, how were they going to move on from that?

“Connor…” Evan looked so, so scared and grabbed onto his hands tighter, trying to stay in the moment, but they were already drifting away from one another, the apartment now filled with crashing sounds, like the world was ending.

Fuck, there were so many things left unsaid, but they didn’t have time anymore, so Connor promised the only thing his brain came up with.

“I´m going to find you, okay?” Connor called over the howling wind, fighting against the force that tried its best to rip them apart. “I`ll make it all good again, Evan. I promise!”

Their hands were torn apart and everything faded.


	7. in the trenches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He would never find his way back."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hop aboard the SS Angst, we´re setting sail to the island of tears and sadness!  
> I´m sorry in advance, feel free to yell at me in the comments :*

Connor stopped counting.

There was no point.

He walked over grass, concrete, snow and glass and he stopped counting.

He became a ghost.

And his grasp on control slipped like Evan`s hand when they were ripped apart. Countless lifetimes ago. An eternity.

Connor promised Evan to find him again, and he didn’t.

It`s all his fault.

He stumbled through different lives, barely letting himself adjust, always on the mission to find Evan first. He needed to find him, the real him from his own life.

And he couldn’t.

He lost count and it became a blur, shreds of memories and promises floating around him like ash through the air, getting lost and never coming back.

He would never find his way back.

This was hell.

It had to be hell, because Connor felt like the world was trying to rip him apart, like every atom of him was on fire and fighting to get to Evan.

But he never woke up in his bed again, on the first day of senior year.

He was catapulted from one life into the next and something always felt terribly wrong.

It was too late. Every. fucking. time.

Sometimes, it was only a matter of seconds, other times years and years too late after Evan-

_How do you know Evan Hansen?_

_There is no Evan on our school, Connor._

_Sweety, Evan died two years ago._

_His funeral is on Friday, the whole school will be there._

_Connor, there has been a car accident, he…didn’t make it._

_Evan always struggled so much, baby. He`s in a better place now._

It didn’t end here, even though he wished it did.

It hurt too much, some untamed beast ripping open his chest and clawing out his heart. A daily companion, something that watched him at night, in the corner of his room.

It became a cycle.

It just kept on spinning, no end in sight.

Make it stop.

Again and again and again.

He lost him.

He was in the trenches and fought a hopeless war against the universe that kept doing this to him.

Connor screamed and cried and fought against it, but he still kept ending up in lives where Evan wasn’t breathing anymore.

Lives, where he met him for a second, two strangers passing each other on the street, and then something horrible happened.

Lives, where Evan was angry at him and screamed at him why he looked at him like this, why are you following me, just leave me the fuck alone, asshole.

Fall down, stand back up, try again.

Lose every time, but soldier on.

He couldn’t, he wasn’t strong enough he broke his promise he`ll never find Evan again he`s lost somewhere and no one knows there is no one who cares-

Make it stop.

How did he end up here?

He watched as Evan turned away once more, something close to hatred in his beautiful eyes, and Connor wanted to look away, but he couldn’t.

Nothing mattered anymore.

He didn’t matter anymore.

He failed. And continued failing.

He could just give up. He could do it; he knew he was capable of it, it wasn’t the first time he thought about it, he wasn’t afraid of it.

As the feeling of falling took a hold of him again, he left with one single thought. Almost like a command.

_Make. it. stop._

* * *

He stood in a dark room; dusty blinds drawn shut to block out the light.

Several old computers hummed and blinked in the half darkness of the room. He felt like he was in a grave.

Connor was at the computer lab in their school.

And between old computers and abandoned desks, sat Evan with a white, casted arm and typed away on a laptop.

“Ev…” His voice broke and Evan didn’t hear him. He tried again. “Evan.” Definitely louder this time, but Evan was still focused on his laptop, a deep frown on his face. His lips moved silently while he wrote.

He didn’t know Connor was here, Connor wasn’t even sure if he was really here, because he didn’t feel the ground under him or the hot sticky air inside the room. He held up a hand and saw it was almost transparent.

Connor didn’t know how, but he knew he was the spectator this time and not the actor. This wasn’t one of his lives, it felt wrong in all places and dangerous to be here, even though nothing had happened yet. Something felt very, very wrong.

“So what happened to your arm?”

Wait, he didn’t say that out loud.

But it _was_ his voice, he was sure to it, and not a second after his heart stopped as another Connor came out of the shadows and walked towards Evan with his hands in pockets of his jacket.

He looked like a ghost, big bags under his eyes and his gaze a little out of it. Unfocused, barely in the moment.

“Oh, I um, I fell out of a tree actually.” Evan answered and pushed his chair under the table, standing up and grabbing his bag.

Connor laughed shortly but without humor. “You fell out of a tree? That is just the saddest fucking thing I`ve ever heard. Oh my god.”

Evan tried to laugh too, but it came out weak and uncomfortable. “I know.”

The other Connor took one step forward, as if he was still cautious of being close to Evan.

Connor moved closer too, now standing right next to them.

The whole moment felt surreal and he couldn’t swallow the feeling down that something was about to go terribly wrong, he felt it coming in the pit of his stomach, but couldn’t place it in a category yet. He was only left to watch and do nothing.

“No one´s signed your cast.” The other Connor noticed and frowned.

“No, I know.” Evan tried to play it down.

Silence between them.

“I`ll sign it.” Connor decided and locked eyes with him, maybe for the first time ever.

“Oh. Um…you don’t have to.” Evan protested and blushed, but Connor didn’t listen to that.

“Do you have a sharpie?”

He watched as the other Connor grabbed Evan`s casted arm with too much force and signed it in an outsized scrawl, six letters now covering the entire side of the cast.

Evan replied something with a half-smile and nodded and the other Connor said something as well, but suddenly pressure pushed down on Connor`s ears and he didn’t get to hear their exchanged words. His stomach turned as Evan turned away to leave the computer lab.

“Is this yours?” The other Connor called after him, holding out a piece of paper. “I found it on the printer. Dear Evan Hansen. That`s your name, right?”

Evan`s eyes widened and he stepped closer again. “Oh, that`s just a stupid- it`s a paper I had to write…”

Suddenly, there was a loud white noise filling the room, tingling directly into Connor`s ear and he gasped, clutching the sides of his head in his hands and shutting his eyes in order to drown out the noise. The other Connor held the paper out of Evan`s reach, staring him down harshly.

He looked up again, and saw another Evan standing on the other side of the room, already watching him with wide eyes.

Deep in his heart, Connor knew it was his Evan, but he couldn’t concentrate on anything else but the two boys in front him. Was this some cruel trick?

“You wrote this, because you knew that I would find it.” Connor said gravely.

Evan began to protest, but Connor interrupted him immediately. “You saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab, so you wrote this and printed it out, so that I would find it.”

They were so loud, waves of panic and anger radiating from him and Connor grit his teeth to hold on against the invisible force that was tearing at him, trying to understand what his other self was saying.

When the noise came back again, the other Connor`s face was already red from screaming. “…then you can tell everyone that I`m crazy, right?”

“No. Wait. I don`t even, what?” Evan shrunk in on himself while Connor hovered over him, jaw clenched and shivering all over from aggression.

“Fuck you!” The other Connor spat out and ran away and exited the room with the letter, leaving behind a confused and scared Evan. He called after him, but he was already gone.

For a small moment, everything stood still.

And then, the world broke apart and tiny pieces shattered across time and space.


	8. interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I lost you so many times I´ve almost lost myself along the way."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter in preperation for next week´s big finale!  
> <3 thank you for reading, as always.

_This feels wrong._

Connor watched as millions of tiny fragments floated through the air, like glass from a mirror, producing light that reflected on the walls.

The computer lab was…not there anymore, but they were still here, in a space between everything and nothing, without windows or time passing by.

Images of himself, angry and shaking and so, so broken, flashed before Connor´s eyes and he barely felt the dull pain as his knees hit the ground, his whole body too heavy to stay upright.

He couldn’t breathe.

“Con…” A familiar voice spoke right next to his ear, a kiss pressed against his tear-streaked cheek. “Connor, Connor, please. I need you to breathe, just listen to my voice, okay? Everything is going to be okay, just try to breathe for now, okay?”

Under Evan`s watch, Connor felt himself calming down again. He focused on his hand that rubbed his back consistently and Evan`s arms around him, the smell of him as Connor laid his head on Evan`s shoulder.

He felt way too much.

He was confused and scared from the encounter in the computer lab, relieved that he finally made it out of the loops where he was on his own, and happy to be reunited with Evan again, here in this weird interspace of time.

“I love you.” He said meekly, because he didn’t have power over any other thought and he forced himself to loosen his vice grip on Evan.

Evan looked like he just saw a ghost, which wasn’t technically wrong, in a way. And he looked exhausted, like he just went to hell and back, just like Connor. God, did Evan had to endure all of that as well? Did he travel through lives where Connor was the one who didn’t make it?

“Love you too.”

Connor closed his eyes. He`d thought he would never hear it again.

_I lost you so many times I´ve almost lost myself along the way._

“I tried to find you, Evan. I promise I`ve tried so hard.” All past lives came crashing down on him once more, but this time Evan held his hand, stroking his skin with a calloused thumb and Connor was so thankful for him, he was so fucking glad to have him back. “I searched for you in all the lives, but you weren’t- I couldn’t-“

His breathing got more erratic again.

“Hey, hey, it`s okay.” Evan held his face and made him look into his eyes, so he couldn’t look on the shattered ground anymore. “You don’t have to explain, I know you tried. I tried to find you too.”

“Guess we´re not so good at Hide and Seek.” He tried to joke to play his unease down and also touched Evan, who closed his eyes as Connor caressed his cheek softly.

After a minute, Evan cleared his throat. “You understand it too, don’t you?” He asked blankly. Like the fight had left him and never promised to come back. “What we just saw in the computer lab…This is the life that split up our world. All the others too.”

He was right. Deep down, Connor knew it as well.

The whole scene had felt so violent, so out of place and wrong, wrong, wrong. Connor wanted to throw up at the thought. He was certain he would ever treat Evan like this, but what he saw wasn’t imaginary. It was real, just as all the other lives he had seen. But this one was particularly brutal. The other him was so…hopelessly angry. Lost.

“I wonder what happened after this.” Evan mumbled.

Connor had a vague idea, but it left him quickly again, a thought he couldn’t catch. Maybe he didn’t want to know.

“Something terrible.” He spoke at last. “Something that split up the world.”

Something so devastatingly powerful that it grasped Connor and Evan in the downfall and sucked them into a never-ending trip through all the parallel lives that existed.

“I blamed myself for this.” Connor added dully and hiccupped. “All the time I thought I was responsible for this.”

“Why would you-“

“But it was _them_.” Connor went on, not ready to have the conversation about the pills and the terrible night before he went to sleep and began to travel. He was just so tired. “They might not even know it, but with whatever happened there…”

God, he really wanted to punch himself in the face now.

“If we caused this… The others, I mean.” Evan thought out loud and formulated his words carefully. “Then it has to mean that we`re also able to stop this.”

_Make it stop._

“I tried, countless times.” Connor contradicted.

“Me too.” Evan said softly and looked at him frowning. “But it was never the right moment or the right life. If this was the moment that split up the realities, we have to go back to the day where Evan- where _I_ broke my arm.”

Connor couldn’t follow. In fact, he was sure he was about to collapse fully on the ground at any given moment. Staying here in this mess of a life, it made him feel weak and naked, unprotected from the cruelty of it.

“Connor.” Evan tried to reason and took Connor`s shaking hands in his. “Stay with me. You signed my cast after I mentioned I broke my arm because I felt out of a tree, right?”

“Y-yes?” Connor blinked harder and forced himself to stay in the moment.

“So, the catalyst for this moment in the computer lab has to be the day I broke my arm. We need to go back there to stop myself from jumping down that tree!”

Evan clapped his hands together and stood up. Connor furrowed his brow.

“You fell, Evan.” He pointed out and took his outstretched hand, aching all over as he stood up.

“No, I don’t believe myself.” Evan whispered and smiled sadly. “I lied. I didn’t fall, I let go with an intention.”

Connor drew in a sharp breath and looked like he was about to cry again, the sheer thought of Evan doing it again and again and again horrified him, but Evan shook his head relentless.

“Con, please listen to me.” Evan said again, gently like he didn’t want to startle him. “It won´t happen, because we`re going to be there to stop it, okay? After that is done, there will be no broken arm with a cast to sign and the other you won`t stay around longer in the computer lab to sign it and find the letter on the printer.”

“What if it doesn’t work?” Connor`s voice was barely audible. “What if we`re not strong enough to control it? I can`t lose you again, Evan. I can´t.”

“And you won`t.” Evan assured him and gave him a chaste kiss that tasted like a promise. “Because this time-“

He intertwined their fingers and squeezed determinedly.

“-we`re the ones who control this.” They stared deeply into each other`s eyes as the shiny fragments spun faster across the room. “And we`re returning back home, once it`s fixed.”

Suddenly, the air was filled with energy, it crackled through Connor and he felt his stomach turning once again, but this time it didn’t happen unexpectedly. He had thought about it, about going with Evan, and his body had listened.

They were in control.

“Let`s bring an end to all of this.”

They left this broken life together and vanished.


	9. for forever and all at once

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "They were always supposed to save each other."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The big finale is here!  
> Only one more chapter to go, let´s cry together.

There was no waking up in bed this time.

Connor came to himself and felt the cool afternoon breeze of summer brushing over him. He slowly opened his eyes and was in the middle of a meadow, surrounded by all different kinds of trees, their branches moving serenely with the wind. It was peaceful, for a small moment. Connor wanted nothing more than to just lay down and rest his tired soul. He was so tired of it.

He squatted down and moved one hand through the grass that tickled his ankles and let himself enjoy the change of scenery for once. He opened his eyes fully, blinking against the bright sun and saw Evan above him.

Evan, who looked at him anxiously.

“Do you remember me?” He asked and the words echoed inside of Connor`s head.

_Remember you?_

_How could I ever forget you?_

Evan frowned. Had he said that out loud?

“Yes, I remember you.” Connor replied calmly and stood up, looking around for a couple of moments, still trying to fight of the tired feeling in his limps that grew steadier and heavier each time he travelled.

“We made it.” Evan stated and squeezed his hand. “We`re here.”

It was only then, that Connor recognized this place, truly began to understand the meaning of all of this, why he didn’t wake up in bed this time, why Evan, his Evan, was right next to him and remembered him.

After countless times of travelling, they managed to take hold of control this time. Not the other way around. Connor never would’ve thought he could do something so powerful.

Under the bright afternoon sun, grass tickling and birds chirping in the trees above him, he felt like some ancient half-god, bending time and space underneath his hands. He also thought this was an effect Evan had on him. With Evan by his side, he always felt strong.

He remembered this place, in his life from many happy days spent under the trees, taking a walk while holding Evan`s hand and letting the world pass by.

The place where it all had started.

They were at Ellison State Park. It was a quiet summer day, maybe end of May or early June, and another Evan Hansen from another life was only minutes away from taking his life and another Connor Murphy was somewhere too, not realizing that a disaster would happen that will split up their universe.

Just in time, they silently watched as another Evan appeared on the meadow, walking firmly towards the biggest tree in sight, expertly dodging massive roots that went deep into the earth. The other Evan didn’t look…good. He was pale and was trembling with every breath he took, swallowing after a couple of steps and then shaking his head at himself, like he was trying to hold all of his pieces together.

Connor got chills as Evan watched himself moving past them, only an inch away from Evan`s arm and they could’ve touched, but they didn’t and Evan continued walking until he reached the tribe, carefully setting down his park rancher backpack in the cool shade, and then climbing up without much effort.

“I don’t know what we`re supposed to do.” Evan gasped horrified and let go of Connor`s hand, shaking his head as the other Evan climbed higher and higher, not looking back to the ground once. “How can we stop this, Con…”

It had seemed so easy.

But the meadow was completely deserted, there was no park rancher in sight to spot the teen climbing and climbing, squinting against the sun and not stopping to rest.

Connor watched the other Evan climbing, but didn’t move from the spot. His stomach cramped, but it wasn’t the same pain that came from jumping between lives, he couldn’t stop staring at the other Evan, a panic rising in his chest and pressing down on his lungs.

He remembered Evan from the first life, telling him nonchalantly about his plans of suicide. And now he was doomed to be only a ghost, not capable of talking to the other Evan, touching him and signalizing that everything was going to be fine and he didn’t have to be scared anymore.

_What can we do what can we do what can we do._

Faintly, he realized Evan was talking to him, but the ringing in his ears got louder as the seconds passed and Evan was so high up the tree now, they barely saw him anymore.

His gaze moved around in search of anything they could use to help him.

In the corner of his eye, something moved.

Evan went very still next to him.

“That`s…” He never finished the sentence.

At the edge of the meadow, another Connor Murphy got up from a shady spot on a park bench and flicked the rest of a cigarette into the dirt. He didn’t turn around to take in his surroundings, he just shouldered his bag and began to walk as the clouds above them got darker, thunder crumbling in the distant.

He didn’t notice Evan on the tree.

“That`s it.”

It was too easy to be true.

Such a simple solution to a complicated equation.

But that was it.

They had to save each other to prevent the world from falling apart.

They were always supposed to save each other.

“Connor, he`s leaving.” Evan noticed numbly and grabbed his hand.

“No.” Connor decided. “That`s not happening. Not if we`re here this time.”

The storm got stronger, leaves and dirt now flying around, but they stood together like a force of nature, resisting the gap in the world that got bigger and bigger.

“Let`s fix this.”

Evan hit off running, racing towards the tallest tree and Connor snapped back to reality.

He saw that nobody else was around, no one would come to help if the other Connor just left right now. This was their only chance to return and save themselves on the way.

Connor stirred up dust and dirt as he sprinted down the path.

He jumped into his own way and blocked the trail that led further away from the silent meadow.

And the other Connor stopped dead in his tracks. 

For a short moment, he thought that they were really looking at each other, like they were observing a mirror for tiny differences between them. Eyes full of determination, glazed over with something from the cigarette, quickly turned confused. The upcoming wind messed up their hair and Connor couldn’t feel it, but he saw the other shivering. He looked like he didn’t understand why he stopped walking away in the first place.

The other Connor continued to stare blankly ahead, maybe at a spot over Connor´s shoulder like he just lost the thought of something that definitely was important, but escaped him like a leaf that took off with the wind that got stronger every second now.

“Don`t you fucking dare to leave now.” Connor said and prayed that it reached him somehow.

The other Connor raised his eyebrows like he remembered.

“You don’t know it yet, but this boy could be everything for you.”

Dark clouds gathered over the meadow, blocking out the sunlight.

“You can`t fuck this one up.” He commanded.

And then Connor`s head turned like someone had called out for him, but too slowly, so damn slowly, and the other Evan was barely holding on to the branch anymore, looking at the ground dozens of meters under him, closing his eyes and breathing out on last time, wishing it would be over quickly, and then-

“HEY!” The other Connor shouted over the uprising thunderstorm, Connor could barely make out the words he was saying, but Evan had heard him, because he froze and suddenly clang to the thick branch again.

_Oh god_ , Connor thought. _He`s coming to get him._

He was barely able to walk without collapsing from the sheer effort it took to hold himself in his strange life, all broken fragments and glass, but he kept moving anyways, finally making it to the spot under the tree, where Evan already knelt and watched the other Connor shouting something up the tree.

It felt strange.

The thunder and wind above them blocked out all sounds but a strange noise filling the air.

If Connor would’ve closed his eyes, it would’ve sounded like a piano, a melody they didn’t understand.

He grabbed Evan`s hand tightly and didn’t let go while they watched the scene unfold.

They didn’t hear any of it, but Connor kept his eyes locked on Evan, who looked at him scared and shaken, trying to contain the sobs that threatened to leave him.

His lips were moving and his hands were raised in defense. No, not defense, they realized. Connor showed Evan that he didn’t have to be scared of him and that he was here to help him. The only weapon he had were calm words, slow and understandable, but they never found out what he said exactly to help Evan getting his breath under control.

After an eternity, Evan nodded to every word Connor said to him.

And started climbing down the tree.

Thunderous rumble filled the air, loaded with electricity.

Both of them watched as Evan`s feet touched the ground again and Connor reached out his hand for him.

The earth was shaking and over them lightning struck violently, but neither of them noticed.

In their life, it was still a sunny afternoon in summer, the air full of possibilities and promise of life.

They both watched as Evan moved to take Connor`s hand, at the beginning and end of all things.

Their palms touched.

The world collapsed, and rebuilt itself.


	10. find my way to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Is this really you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the last chapter, you´ve made it!  
> I´m so grateful for everyone who read, left kudos or a comment on this story <3 Writing and uploading and seeing your reactions brought me more joy than I ever imagined. I hope you´re happy with how things turned out, after all.
> 
> This story might be over, HOWEVER there will be an epilogue coming your way next week, this time from Evan´s perspective and I hope to "see" you around for that :)  
> I`m also working on two other stories for the boys right now, so I´ll be back :)

Connor shot up in bed, blinking rapidly to wake up quicker, moving around under the heavy bedsheets as the pounding alarm on his watch set off. He blindly reached around before slamming the off button a bit too forcefully. The clock went flying and hit his carpet.

A curse was ready on his tongue, but it died with the realization that he already had lived through moment once. A _Déjà vu._

His lips tasted like something metallic and he sat up in bed, staring at the clock on his bedside table.

It was the first day of senior year.

Again.

This was definitely his childhood room; nothing had changed, from the color of the walls to the books stocked in his massive shelves. There were no trophies from any sport or signs that someone had redecorated overnight. Downstairs, he could hear plates and cutlery clinking.

_This doesn’t feel wrong_ , he thought.

Connor had fantasized a lot about the moment he would come back to his own life, day and night, only thinking about what he would do first when he finally made it home again.

Now, Connor was too scared to move a finger.

What if nothing had changed? What if he was still stuck and Evan didn’t make it either? He couldn’t face another life without Evan, not this time, he wasn’t strong enough and Evan was probably alone somewhere too and was scared, maybe even more scared than Connor was right now.

The chances were what? One in a million?

He couldn’t sit there for the rest of his life, or rather _this_ life, but he couldn’t freak out again, the scene at the park had felt too real, he literally had felt the world breaking apart after the other Connor had stopped Evan from jumping.

It had felt like Connor was breaking apart. Maybe he was losing his mind after all, and this was just a cruel trick and the world was still messed up from the consequences the conversation at the computer lab had brought.

But, still.

Didn’t he owe Evan one try?

His hand shook too hard, but he managed to grab the knob of his drawer.

Pulled it open, peaked into it and held his breath.

Blinked once, twice.

The pills were back.

Connor gasped brokenly, shoved his hand inside the drawer and touched them.

He felt the smooth surface and curves of the capsules under his fingertips.

He could’ve cried.

Before he let himself have a breakdown in the morning, he threw away the blanket and touched the floor with bare feet. He determinately clenched his fist around the pills, squeezed all of them tight between his fingers and walked into his bathroom.

Connor looked in the mirror and shivered. He looked like he didn’t get one second of sleep.

Which came pretty close to the unbelievable truth, actually.

After a moment he nodded to himself and lifted up the toilet seat.

He watched silently as he opened his palm and the pills fell down into the toilet.

He flushed at least five times before he was sure they were all gone.

As he turned around and flicked off the light, he was already breathing lighter. There wasn’t a weight on his chest anymore, it didn’t feel like something invisible was holding him down. In fact, he feared that he would take off and just fly away, because he felt like moving on feathers. It felt like being with Evan.

Oh, god. _Evan_.

“Connor, get ready or I´m leaving without you!” His sister called from downstairs.

He sprang into action.

He was on simple autopilot, grabbing himself some dark clothes and combing through his hair until he felt like he was presentable and then slammed the door shut and ran downstairs.

How was he going to explain all of this? His people didn’t know what happened to him in this very strange night, how was he going to pick up from where he left?

_Yes, mom. Actually, I wasn’t sleeping this night and instead travelled through different lives and points of my existence in a complex and fucked up multiverse. I also think me and Evan repaired that multiverse along the way, but tell me how you slept this night._

Yeah, that wasn’t gonna happen.

He spotted Zoe at the foot of the stairs; eyebrows raised in slight annoyance.

“Are you ready or not?”

She let out a squeak when Connor unexpectedly picked her up and spun her around, laughing into her hair as she held on tight and screamed about getting a headache.

He set her down again with a grin and kissed the side of her head in a sudden rush of affection for his little sister.

“What was that all about?” Zoe asked breathlessly and stared at him amused.

“I`m just wishing you a very happy first day of school.” Connor said and smiled at her, unable to stop himself from grinning like an idiot. “And no, I won´t drive to school with you, I actually wanted to meet Evan before class.”

“What is going on?” Cynthia appeared in the doorframe to the kitchen and looked at little confused, but lovingly at her children. “We heard screaming.”

Larry straightened his tie next to her. “Connor, what did we tell you about trampling down the stairs like a mad man?”

Connor laughed like he _was_ a mad man for sure and couldn’t stop himself from kissing his parents on the cheek.

“I love you both.” He called over his shoulder and made his way to the entrance of their house. “Mom, please don’t try to bake cakes in the near future, okay? And Dad, I think we should go to a baseball game if you want to, alright? I have somewhere to be now, see you later!”

He didn’t wait for their answer.

By the time his mother called after him, something about his forgotten bag, he was already out of the door and down the street.

He never ran so fast in his life; he barely noticed the burning sting in his lungs. Connor only thought of one thing, one person, and he was currently only a few blocks away, if he was lucky enough.

The door to the small house was unlocked.

Suddenly, he was very nervous.

How would Evan react, after all they’ve been through, together and apart? There were still so many things Connor didn’t know about. Things they experienced separately and without the comfort of the other.

Connor stumbled into Evan`s living room, frantically looking around for any sign that Evan was here and had not already made his way to school.

He wanted to call out for him, but his voice was just gone, devoured by a sickening fear inside of him. He looked back to the door and saw Evan`s New Balance shoes, accurately set together without any sign of dirt, but this meant nothing, it didn’t meant shit if all of it was a coincidence, if Evan wouldn’t recognize him or Evan didn’t live in this house anymore or Evan was upstairs with someone else or Evan wasn’t here because he was _dead-_

He heard loud footsteps on the stairs, someone cursed because they nearly fell down.

Connor blinked to clear his vision and stopped completely in his search for anything familiar.

Evan paused on the stairs, out of breath and eyes wide with anxiety. And something close to anticipation.

They blinked at each other. Once, twice.

“Is this really you?”

“Yes, it`s me.” Connor choked out and then Evan jumped down the last two steps and threw himself into Connor`s awaiting arms.

They were a rush of an abstract painting, black and blue melting into something else.

Connor grunted when Evan came at him with full force, and he almost lost his balance, but he didn’t focus on that, not if Evan clasped desperately at his back and his breath tickled his ear like that. He was half aware that they were on the ground, both of them on their knees, and still pressed against the other, holding on for dear life and just feeling the other.

Evan touched him at the back of his long neck, carefully moving to the strands of his hair and letting out a shallow sob that had been stuck in his throat for too long.

Connor didn’t realize his cheeks were wet when they separated, but only a few inches to inspect each other carefully.

He laughed with a watery smile and held Evan`s face in his shaking hands.

“It worked.” Evan said and kissed every spot in reach on Connor`s face, only stopping to look in his eyes with a stunned expression and tears of his own. “It worked. It _worked_. We did it.”

Connor drew him closer and their lips molded together in a teary kiss, too sloppy to be taken seriously and still perfect. So fucking perfect.

“I love you.” Connor mumbled against Evan`s lips and once again pulled him closer to hug him properly this time, even though he felt kind of dizzy from the kiss. “So fucking much.”

“I missed you.” Evan sobbed and searched his eyes of any sign that he wasn´t making sense, but Connor understood. In Evan`s arms, it felt like a lost limb returned to him, like a heartstring was repaired and he could finally breathe again.

He felt Evan`s heart beating out of his chest and it was the most beautiful sound in the world, listening to it and holding Evan, Evan, who was so beautifully alive and warm.

“I know.” Connor nodded and Evan buried his face in his neck, breathing him in and out, finding peace in the feeling or their skin touching. “I missed you too.”

* * *

They endured the weirdest first day of school ever.

Connor caught himself staring off into nothingness a lot, something slowly blinking when they passed the tree in the courtyard or stopped by the library while Jared made a joke about reading. Evan had to squeeze his hand a lot in return and brought him back to reality every single time.

Connor didn’t overlook how Evan also got lost in some particular moments, for example when they all sat together and Connor came back to the table with a small bag of chips for them to share. Or how Evan didn’t concentrate on the teacher at all and instead looked over his shoulder to check if Connor still sat in the back of the classroom, already looking back with worried eyes.

But they had time.

They had a whole lifetime to talk about it.

* * *

In the evening, Connor`s room was quiet, only lit by small fairy lights they had set up, and accompanied by some cars passing down the street from time to time. He was tired, he could’ve fallen asleep on the spot, but this moment felt so fragile that Connor feared it would be gone if he only closed his eyes for one second.

He was sprawled out on his bed, long limbs all tangled up and he was wrapped up in a cozy hoodie. On top of him, the most beautiful weight Connor could ever imagine for himself, was Evan.

His head rested on Connor`s shoulder that had gone numb and tingled a bit, but Connor didn’t mind. Oh, he didn’t mind at all. He was simply happy that Evan had found a little peace with him, after this day and all the days and lives before.

His hands gently caressed Evan`s back, feeling their way along his delicate spine under the soft sleep shirt he was hearing. God, he was so warm and soft, Connor wanted to crawl inside of him and never leave. Which was…just such a creepy and weird thought, that he quietly snorted to himself and hid his face in the crook of Evan`s neck.

“I`m happy to be here.” Evan slurred his words a bit and his voice sounded raspy, a sign of sleepiness and ultimate comfiness. “With you.”

“I love you.” Connor simply said and Evan pressed a small kiss against his jaw as an answer.

“Love you too.”

Connor was so close to fall asleep, he was fully ready to just use Evan as his blanket and drift off, but Evan seemed to have other plans.

“How did you know you were back?” Evan mumbled into his neck and wriggled closer until there was no space for anything to fit between them. Warm chests pressed together until Connor stilled enough to feel Evan`s heartbeat, steady and so beautifully alive.

And god, he didn’t want to do this, didn’t want to draw them out of their little bubble, but Evan deserved to know the truth.

“The pills in my beside drawer were back.” Connor confessed into the darkness and closed his eyes, waited in silence for the moment Evan would realize and get pissed at him, getting up to leave, because he was such a mess and fucked it up.

But he didn’t do anything close to that. Connor heard the blankets rustling between them and then Evan touched his cheek softly, only with his fingertips to bring him to opening his eyes. His thumb brushed against Connor`s cheekbones like he was something precious, something worthy of his love.

“What do you mean by that?” Evan asked calmly, and a little scared.

“I fucked it up, Evan.” Connor shook his head and bit his lip to stop himself from crying. He didn’t feel his cheeks getting wet. “I fucked it up so bad.”

“Connor, you`re scaring me.” After that Connor cried even louder, because this was what he had told Evan in the first life he visited, after Evan didn’t remember him. Everything got overwhelming very quickly.

“Can you- can you just…” Connor`s chest heaved with the sheer effort to hold his gasps in. “Hold me?” He finished weakly and couldn’t hold eye contact, but Evan didn’t hesitate to scoop him into a big hug, cradling him against his chest and moving his fingers reassuringly through his hair.

“I´m here.” Evan whispered against his temple. “I`m not going anywhere.”

After countless minutes, Connor had finally calmed down enough to find the right words.

“Before we found each other and ended up in the computer lab…” Connor trailed off and saw himself storming off with so much anger in his eyes. He cleared his throat and tried to shake off the lump in it. “I thought the whole travelling between different lives was my fault. And I somehow managed to draw you into it as well. I thought I caused it to happen, and it was my punishment for being so stupid and weak. I regret thinking about them in the first place.”

“Them?” Evan asked unsurely, like he still tried to figure out what Connor meant.

“I`m so sorry, Evan.” Connor looked at his hands and sighed shakingly. “This isn’t fair to you at all, not after everything you’ve been through.”

“Everything _we´ve_ been through. Tell me about it.” Evan said instead and moved to sit across him, giving him space to breathe and explain. “I want to understand it.”

Connor really wanted to understand it too. All of the sudden, he was very aware that it had been two whole weeks in his life and even more in the others, where he didn’t go to therapy. He planned on booking an appointment in the morning.

“This summer…it´s been the best time of my life, Evan.” Connor started and looked at him full of regret, scared of the reaction he might get if he continued. “You make me really happy, and I was very happy to spend these weeks with you and then, when school got closer and you started to talk about college and future plans, my brain just…shut down. All the things I used to worry about came crashing back at me and I was very sure that we wouldn’t be together by the end of the year, because you`re so wonderful and I`m just…me.”

Evan swallowed hard. “Connor, you`re not-“

“And I don’t even know how it happened and why I kept them in the first place, because you _know_ I have been doing better for some time now, but I always kept these pills in my bedside drawer, when things used to be really bad. Just as a last resort, you know? So I knew I had- fuck, this sounds so fucking stupid, but just to remind me that there was an escape if things would go bad again.”

Shit. Evan was crying now too and they were both crying and held hands in the middle of the bed. It was worse than he imagined, he broke Evan`s heart and now all of his concerns would become reality and Evan would leave him. At least he didn’t have to witness the love of his life slowly falling out of love with him. Fuck.

“Connor, that’s…Listen to me, please?”

Connor looked up and was met with Evan biting his lip, deep in thought.

“Nothing in this world could ever make me leave you.” Evan spoke softly. “I need you to understand that. And I`m so sorry that you felt like this and I really wished you would’ve talked about it with me, but I´m so glad that you didn’t take them, I´m so fucking glad, because…You realize I need you too, right? This isn’t a one-side thing, I love you just as much as you love me, and I`m not leaving you alone. It`s not possible for me to move on from you. You´re the finish line. You´re everything to me.”

Connor sobbed shallowly at his gentle tone and blinked up to him. Evan`s words felt like healing.

Ever so slowly, his breath returned to normal, even though his eyes remained glassy.

“And we both know now that the travelling wasn’t your fault.” Evan concluded calmy and caressed the side of his face. He spoke very slow and clear, making sure Connor understood every word of it. “The only thing that’s responsible for it, are the versions of ourselves, from another life, that were so heartbroken and lonely that they didn’t think they were worthy of someone`s friendship. Or someone calling out for them, coming to help. Someone signing their cast when no one else did. It makes me sad to know that somewhere, the other me ever had to feel like this and it makes me sad that both of us didn’t give each other a chance in that life, but _this_ is _our_ life. Let`s not make the same mistake in this one.”

Connor nodded along, unable to deny anything Evan said, and buried himself in Evan`s arms, exhausted and tired from the hell of a day they had.

They both moved under the covers and drew up the blankets until only their heads peaked out, legs tangling together and noses almost touching.

Connor blinked at Evan, and Evan blinked back.

He placed a small kiss on Evan`s nose and snuggled closer.

“This sounds crazy, but now I think it was all worth it.” Connor admitted and thought about heartbreak, loss and despair. He thought about seeing Evan in the bar in New York and the moment they discovered that they had found each other again. “Seeing you this morning, being with you and loving you now, seems to make up for all the lives I had to spent without you.”

Connor knew there were things Evan didn’t talk about with him yet. For the split of a second he saw a shadow crossing Evan`s face, he lost composure for a quick moment, and put on a brave face for Connor. He was hurting. In a way, they both were. The weight of all these lives wouldn’t leave them in a span of one day. Maybe they would have to deal with it for the rest of their lives.

But that could wait until tomorrow.

He only wanted to tell Evan how much he loved him.

How do you measure love when it comes in infinite amounts to you?

How do you say _I love you_ when there are no words invented yet to describe it fully?

Connor tried his best, as always when it came to Evan.

“I would cross a million lifetimes to find you again.”

Connor looked deep into Evan`s shimmering eyes, needed him to understand that every single word about it was true, that he loved him until the world would stop moving and all laws of nature and science would be abandoned by madness overtaking.

“I would do the same for you.” Evan said softly and moved to gently kiss each of Connor`s knuckles, squeezing his hand ever so often, before looking right back at him, into brown-blue eyes. “But I think now, we`re right where we belong.”


End file.
